Crimes Against Humanity

Today I was volunteering for the Pug Rescue at this Gigantic Pet Expo dealio. There were literally thousands of people all with various pet interests milling about and I have to say I was shocked at the absolute lack of fashion sense/interest by every single one of them.

Ok, all but two.

It is totally none of my business, but what the fuck? Why do people walk around looking like their clothes just happened to them?
“You know, I blacked out and when I came to I was wearing this bud light t-shirt and these aerobic shoes. I’m not really sure what happened.” Seriously, people who say “I just don’t care about clothes” are actually saying they don’t care about themselves. And that is a crime. I mean every one has to make a choice every single day as to what they are going to drape over their naked body. Decisions are made as to what goes into your wardrobe rotation. And please, don’t insult me with excuses of comfort, money or time.

Fashion can be current AND comfortable. My own father found his way to crocs* so please, it CAN be done. Old Navy, Target and H&M were designed for the excuses of “I have no money/time.” You can glance around the clearance section and find jeans for $9.99 and a shirt for $3! $13 and a half an hour later you may not be the most inspired but at least you don’t look like an accident.

The biggest crime against humanity is the thin person who cannot dress themselves. I mean, COME ON! How dare you waste such potential. There is a great deal of responsibility when you are thin. You owe it to the rest of us to wear the things we can’t and wear them WELL. Every time I try something on and I think “who are they making this for?” It is for YOU, thin, tiny girl! You are giving me a big “fuck you” every time you wear your dirty, baggy John Deer t-shirt, old high waisted jeans, and dirty flats. Just stop. Embrace your destiny. All the cute embellished jeans and colorful corduroys and spaghetti strapped, halter top everything, is waiting for you. GO GET IT.


*Ps and BTW, Whatever you think of crocs (personally, I find them unflattering but still wear them to work disguised by a long pant) there is no denying they are trendy and a HUGE step above the white athletic shoe. I have made it my life’s mission to outlaw white athletic shoes and jeans and relegate them to workout wear ONLY. That, overturn Prop 8, and become painfully thin. I have a lot of work to do.