Death and Taxes and Dieting and Shopping

Tax time is an exercise in humiliation and failure.

Humiliation because, once again, I have not learned a thing about money even though it is #3 on my New Year’s Resolution list EVERY YEAR (Become alarmingly skinny is always #1, organizing my collection of little pieces of paper #2) and failure because my veneer of being a responsible adult completely crumbles as my eyes fill with shocked and bewildered tears and I sputter incoherently at the stranger who I’m paying to prepare my taxes. “I make NO money how could I possibly owe????” All the while I’m hoping they don’t notice my adorable and obviously brand new faux snake skin flats. I got them for practically nothing but they don’t know that.

Please don’t misunderstand me I don’t have buyer’s remorse. On the contrary, what I can’t wrap my brain around is why in the world I can’t claim my spending addictions as “dependents”. It seems unfair that my taxes go to schools and various kid friendly government programs when I DON’T HAVE ANY! Why, again, do I have to support other people’s breeding while they get a GIANT deduction for each little bundle they pop out? It is totally backwards and makes no sense to me. I am choosing to not have children therefore I should be able to allot that money toward a senseless but trendy ruffle blouse that I will wear once (still in for spring) and that, as my friend, Rose, claims “looks like a bustle for your boobs.”

I mean, come on, dieting alone is like a child I have nursed and nurtured for decades and, ps and by the way, I don’t see that changing in the near future. If it were up to me I should get $3400.00 for Dieting (my first born) and another $3400 for Shopping (the spoiled little baby of the family).
My kids are as much trouble as the next

“Dieting! How many times have I told you to take that fat roll off of mommy’s stomach?!?”

I need that money to keep them in line and to pay for their training and supplies.

I guess I should have sent the IRS one of those freakishly annoying “Christmas letters” so they would realize that I legitimately need that money.