Hangover...

Quite the party.

On the subject of science

A lot of diets out there say that a piece of cheese is a good snack because it has some protein and is higher in fat so it will satiate you and you will stay full longer. Ummmm.
I am pretty sure that I defy science and I'm wondering if there is any money to be made here.
I am in no way exaggerating when I say I can eat pounds of cheese and I don't feel full at all. Cube after cube, slice after slice. I'm like a freak of nature.

The same phenomenon occurs with nuts if anyone is doing an experiment on that.

Now if you've read "Skinny Bitch" (and I have) it says that cheese is difficult to stop eating because there is actually something in it that is ADDICTIVE. A great deal of these food "addictions" are in your head but apparently, not the cheese one. It's for real.

This info makes me both happy and sad. Happy because I can fully rationalization my continued cheese consumption and sad because I will hide behind it for a good long time.

The latest diet craze...

I had a bad night at work and so I turned to my old friends bread and cheese for some comfort. They never fail to make me feel better/worse and tonight was no exception. (Whole Wheat and Feta, thank you for asking). As part of my "just drown it," ritual I, of course, looked around for something sweet to eat before I had even finished swallowing much less waiting to see if I was actually hungry (that is key when you chain eat, fyi). My eye alighted on some frosted cookies that Newshead had left them out like a little grenade.

Me: You know what? I had a really shitty night so YES I AM going to have a cookie, I...WTF?

I opened them to find just the frosted top eaten off of all but two of the cookies. Ummm Gross. No thanks.

When I asked Newshead about it in the morning he wasn't even embarrassed.

He actually offered to do it to all of the junk food for me.

I'm really very touched.

All cleaned out...sort of

I tried the "Fast Track Detox Diet"

I did really well except for the fact that I couldn't stop drinking coffee because I got a blinding migraine and threw up the very first day. Now there are two ways to look at it:
1) I'm very good at this super "fast track" stuff and these are all of my toxins bursting out of me or
b) I'm really very fond of my toxins and I should consider just hang on to some of them

Because I was starting my new job I couldn't very well continue in this vein so I decided to keep drinking coffee but do everything else on the diet because I'm no quitter. Apparently I'm just a not do it all (er).

Who's kidding who? As much as I want to be a detoxified person, I really was in it for the weight loss. (Kim lost 6lbs and who wouldn't want that?). The byproduct of having a clean liver is great and all, but is my liver trying to get into those Hudson Jeans I finally got hemmed?

Exactly.

Hiyaaaaytus

I took a hiatus. It was a necessary thing. I had a lot of tv watching to catch up on. I deprive myself of small pleasures when I feel I have a lot of obligations. I just power through and then when I get a ton of stuff done or finish a huge project, I reward myself with tv watching and full on escapism.

Vacation for me is pretending my bed is an island...well actually my apartment because the pugs suck at refilling coffee.

And now it is November. Time to start a new diet that will allow me to lose enough weight so that if I gain anything over the holiday season, I'll still just need to lose that last 7lbs. So, if my math is correct, I have 25 days to lose 15lbs and 37 days to prevent gaining it back. It is a complicated formula. Don't feel bad if you can't make sense of it.

On another note, I managed to lose my concealer. It's just gone. I thought maybe that was a sign that I should try to be less dependent on the art of concealing. So I tried going without it. I still wore eyeshadow and mascara (of course) and an illuminating tinted moisturizer but no under eye or blemish coverage. As an added challenge I had to stop picking at my face because I could no longer hide the evidence.
Clearly I'm a serious and dedicated journalist.

I even had to go out of my apartment a few times and I felt like everyone was staring at me.
It was really tough but I dug down deep and kept going. I thought maybe I would learn something on this journey, something important about myself. Maybe in my stripped down state I would be more accepting of the real me and it would be freeing somehow.

After a week the only thing I learned was that I need concealer. Why would I choose to look tired? That just seemed silly.

This new concealer I got from The Balm doesn't just conceal but it also fights wrinkles!

I can even wear it to bed!

Life is good.

Double edge sword

Why is something that is so good and kind of good for you so so so bad at the same time?
Curse you cashew trail mix.
Curse you.
Your quantity is killing me.

If you had any doubt, I've always been this way

(you can click on the image and enlarge my humiliation for easier viewing)

This is an actual page of my "food diary" from Jr. High. Typical of me I only have this one page but this one page really speaks volumes.

I distinctly remember my inner monologue going something like this:
"It is so unfair. Why aren't I skinny like Denise Goodwin? I try so hard. I'd do anything to not be so fat."

Really?

Looking at the above food journal, I would have to agree, the reason I was overweight is still a complete mystery.

If anyone is wondering what a crispito is, it is a fried meat and cheese Mexican type food. Please note, I only ate 1/2. I was really watching it.

And if you think you can't read the last line, it does, in fact, say 1/2 mayonnaise sandwich (again, cutting back) and 4 oreo cookies (not the whole bag? Good work).

My continual weight gain was still a mystery in college.
"What is going on? I eat salad every day and I cannot lose a pound. I am so frustrated by how unfair this is!"

Ummmm that "salad" was a BREAD BOWL of iceberg lettuce with ranch dressing and whole wheat crackers crushed in it. Dessert was two boxes of granola cereal with milk ("it's granola! It's like natural and good for you").

I have since grown up. I realize now that my weight gain isn't happening to me, it is happening because of me.

My inner monologue sounds more like this now:

"Ugh this is so unfair. I just want to be really skinny and I don't want to have to do anything to achieve it."

Fluffy white horror between two delicious chocolate cookies

Newshead brought home oreos aka kryptonite. It's like he hates me. He actually ate the middle out of one and PUT IT BACK! Who does that? I shamed him but what is really scary is that if it were the last one, I probably would have eaten it. I'm that disgusting.

I actually think I'm allergic to sugar/corn syrup/crappy food. I've noticed a blinding headache come on everytime I slip up.

This could be good. Pavlov good.

If at first you don't succeed try something else

I'm trying (again) to not eat sugar or junk. So tonight I ate an entire bag of brown rice with olive oil on it. Just because it isn't sugar doesn't mean there aren't a bazillion calories in it. I'm aware of the fact that too much of a "good" thing is still too much. I felt so gross that I ate a cookie.

Whatever.

The more things change, the more they just really don't change

I'm revisiting the idea that we create the patterns in our lives. I feel like I have gone through immense changes and yet, as I read excerpts from my seventh grade journal I am realizing that I am EXACTLY the same person. I have not evolved one bit. Nary an iota. I'm obsessing over my hair and my clothes, my weight and the fact that I heart some guy named Frank. I'm pretending that I hate everything (when I know, in fact, that I didn't). I mean it is ridiculous. Change the guys name to Newshead and I'm practically living my seventh grade life right now.

Earlier today I grabbed one of my many notebooks so I could write out some of my annoyance with myself at not being able to keep a jar of honey in the house for more than a week and my firm decision to go clean and lean starting tomorrow. In this notebook I found four days of "journaling" from 2002.

"Crabby, unmotivated, puffy, bloated, fat, fatigued, fucked up sleep, PMS. I feel I'm so close to breaking the barrier and then I go into a slump. I have to dig deep to find the magic feeling called confidence and strength. I really miss Ned. Glad I'm going home next week.
Things I can't have in the house:
Peanut Butter
Honey
Whole Wheat Crackers
Oreos
Ate almost a whole jar of honey today. What made me think I could have it? Duh.
Ok, I'm going to bed and I'm going to get up and try not to eat and hate myself some more. It will pass. This too shall pass..."

Seriously? And what's with the dramatics?

Well that is it. The jury is in. I am the common denominator. Time to take some responsibility. I am using this stuff as my identity. It is like a comfy blanket that I wrap myself in. When am I going to grow up and get over this stuff? Right now. That's when.

Actually, on second thought, why would I do that? If I actually achieved some level of self acceptance, what in the world would I talk about?

And once again moderation and I barely recognize each other

I know artificial sweeteners aren't good for me. In the last year I've tried to quit the fake stuff because I'm convinced I'm growing a third arm (and what shirt is going to look good with that?). I still chain chew sugarless gum so that isn't exactly quitting but if you knew how many splendas/equals/sweet 'n low's/aspertames/xylitols I was downing in an attempt to not eat other things you would be a little more impressed with how much I've changed.

Tonight I was reminded why my stomach used to hurt more often than not. Sugar free candy culprit. I don't think artificial sweeteners are deadly per se, I think the amount I consume brings my mortality to the forefront. You see, if one is going to eat sugar free hard candy that is the flavor of cookies 'n cream, one should really keep it to one or two. In theory you are supposed to use the sugar free candy to get you through a craving not treat it like popcorn and eat the whole bag while watching an episode of Being Human (my new favorite vampire show).

I don't blame them. I blame myself. I don't do moderation. I have the intent of moderation but it all goes down hill once I break the seal. I just need to quit stuff.

Now, I've been "quitting" sugar for decades. That wagon dumps me off on regular occasions but what I think is important is that I am ALWAYS trying. I'm going for that "I just don't crave sweet stuff, I only eat omega threes and antioxidents" thing. I'll never give that up. I mean, half the fun is coming through a cycle of self loathing with a whole new resolve and healthy attitude.

Good times.

I know what you are thinking but I'm doing it anyway.

I had a dream I was waiting on the Obamas.

Me: Hi, how are you? What can I get for you this evening?
President Obama: Hello, Krista. (huh, they know my name now) Well, what will you be having?
Me: (terribly impressed at the invite) Oh, thank you! I'm really not very hungry tonight.
President Obama: Now come on.
Me: Oh you know it is back to school time so I'm really watching it, plus I'm feeling really puffy today (at this point I streatched out my arm and pinched the lunch lady fat under my tricep)

Everyone at the table chuckled with understanding and then Michelle Obama ordered the low cal plate (hamburger patty with a scoop of cottage cheese and canned peaches) and President Obama ordered the fish special as a complete dinner (tapioca instead of rice pudding). Why they were regulars at a diner in Carol Stream, I will never know but apparently they were.

Then I told my assistant (uh huh) to get them whatever they needed because I was excited to go and chat with my friend Kristina who surprised us with a visit and she had a sassy new haircut. It was a shorter version of the haircut I had freshman year of high school and it looked really cute.

Now I know that people say no one wants to hear about your dreams (jonathan) especially if they aren't in them (rose) but this one seemed really important.

Plus, I'm a rule breaker.

Nostalgia is as nostalgia does and some such

Here are some really important things you should know:

I can spot a ding dong from a mile away.
I knew a 'zinger' as soon as I saw it (and got a little teary) even though I don't recall ever having one.
In a completely unblind taste test, the crumb cake beats out both the ding dong and the twinkie based on the criteria of fresh moist cake and the zinger wins for best cake to creme filling ratio.

In the spirit of full disclosure the zebra cake, star crunch and nutty bar were noticeably absent from said taste test. I wandered the streets trying to find them but to no avail. They still haunt my dreams.

After two days of eating nostalgia I was reminded that my problem goes way back. I may tell myself I can quit at any time but the reality is...

I'm a junkie

Perhaps this was the tipping point for the all carb showdown last week.

you think?

Death by carbs

What if I had an "all carb" day. What if I had a croissant for breakfast, pinkberry as a pre-lunch snack, 9 mini almond biscottis for lunch (man those things don't fill you up. They are "mini" after all), polenta as an appetizer and then for dinner, pasta and garlic bread with an apple crisp chaser. And then on the way home what if I heard the song "Pour some sugar on me..." how appropos. I AM "hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet" because I ate all that crap. "You've got the peaches, I've got the cream..." I never heard that part before. Hmmm.

That would just seem like a weird day. Wouldn't it?

I feel gross.

One step forward two pieces of cake

Did you ever notice that when you are determined to eat just to eat, you eat the weirdest shit? I'm just going to assume you can relate.

Often this is because you wisely got rid of everything junky in the house back when you were feeling healthy and strong. So, now you are forced to find something reasonably bad to help you carry out your self sabotage moment.

Hence the crackers and ranch dressing combo or the never before eaten walnuts AND peanut butter with three year old sugar in the raw sprinkled on top. And/or you get the flour and sugar down from the top most unused shelf and mix it with fake butter in an attempt to create makeshift cookie dough. Then in disgust you throw it in the garbage but immediately regret it and make some more.

It is like you just don't know what you want because you really don't want anything but you want something to make you feel better/worse. I find that these moments really punch up the fact that I have a mental problem. I try to blame PMS or free floating anxiety or just the fact that it is late at night, however, most of the time it is just passing madness. No getting around it.

Sometimes after work I stop at the grocery store and walk through every aisle telling myself I can have something while simultaneously talking myself out of everything. This is where the burden of choice can play in my favor.

It doesn't change the mental thing though.

How to not eat when you really want to (but aren't hungry at all)

No matter what diet you are on (and I've tried them all) there will come a time when you need to avoid temptation and triggers. Here are some tips and tricks, do's and don'ts to skillfully distract yourself from falling off of the diet wagon. Try at least three in a row before mindlessly eating something.

Drink a HUGE glass of water. More than you even think you can consume. If your stomach is rumbling eat a couple of antacid tablets and drink some more water.

Call a friend. Preferably one that is also on a diet and will tell you "no" in a really firm voice. Talk about how hard it is. Venting helps.

Clean your apartment. As soon as you go into the kitchen grab some cleaning supplies and start cleaning instead. Not only will you put off eating for a while longer, you will burn some calories and have a clean apartment.

Someone at a Weight Watchers meeting said she bent down and picked up magazines during commercials.

No offense, but that is really lame.

Fast forward through commercials or leave the room. No one needs to see all those delicious fast food temptations. During those intervals brag to yourself about how well you are doing. Tell yourself how proud you are for not giving in to temptation. You can't disappoint yourself after a pep talk.

Put on really tight clothing. You won't want to make yourself more uncomfortable by eating.

Brush your teeth or chew sugar free, minty gum.

Work on a project that involves your hands. Paint, make jewelry, scrapbook, assemble small things.

It is also helpful to gross yourself out. Imagine eating bugs or some other vile thing.

Don't have a "Sex in the City Marathon." While it is the greatest show ever, all they do is eat. A fact that is magnified when you watch them all in a row. Instead pick a show like "Angel" where all they eat is blood.

Go to sleep. If you just woke up, drink some nyquil and knock yourself out again. Never mind if you have things to do. You can do stuff when you are skinny.

It may sound like I'm kidding but I assure you I am not.

Happy Independence Day! Celebrate your independence from food.

Did someone say yo yo? I love that game!

If anyone is looking to gain a quick 7lbs, I think I've finally zeroed in on the exact formula. My proprietary blend of inactivity and crappy food consumption is practically foolproof. You too can enjoy the benefits of rapid weight gain, bloat and energy depletion! Your free trial (plus the cost of shipping) awaits. Act now! Hurry! Time is running out! Summer is almost here!

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sweet dreams my little fatty.

Wait, this place looks familiar...

So I've been sick, annoyed, overworked, not getting paid (literally my paychecks are bouncing), unable to shop, unable to sleep, and not working out. So I have been doing what I always do to make myself feel better/worse:

Eating crap.

And a lot of it.

Well hello rock bottom, fancy meeting you again after such a short time.

Rock bottom is an interesting place to visit over and over again. I've been to quite a few of the nine circles of RB.

Level three (from whence I am writing) is deceptive because it is somewhat comfortable. You can escape to fattening comfort food, tv, loose fitting clothes and a misguided justification that you deserve to wallow in this circle of inertia and what's the useness of it all. This is a place where an extra 7lbs is free upon entry and you can leave the heavy burden of ambition and aspiration at the door. It seems nice...for awhile.
And then it turns on you in a Hotel California way and you realize you have to check out or get your shit together and just leave.

I am good and sick of myself so it's bootstrap time (again). No more of this! Life is more fun when you are striving for unattainable thinness and reaching for those new summer sandals, endeavoring to be the girl who wears summer frocks, finding joy in the little things like trying to make the necklace you can't afford to buy and trying to figure out what your signature look of the season is going to be.

It takes a lot of oomph and mental determination to ascend from the inferno of rock bottom. However, barring physical illness or injury, it really is about FORCING the mental shift instead of waiting for it. They don't deliver "Ah Ha" moments to the nine circles, they deliver pizza.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm starting over. New focus on health and happiness.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

You can take my shoes...but not my pride

Yesterday, I returned the adorable wedges with the pictures of pin up girls all over them since the IRS has decided to cramp my style. They were going to be my show stopper, summer shoe. A conversation piece and a great shoe all in one. However, I couldn’t rationalize it since they came the day the IRS drained my checking account. Had they come before or way after, I could have pulled it off in my own mind. But no, the timing couldn’t be worse. So I wore them around the house to try and get my fix and while Ned was oddly fascinated by them and said they were “so cute” it really wasn’t the same as girlie admiration from my friends. Or even the tiny triumph when my yia yia* shakes her head and says “well you can pull it off” which isn’t really a compliment but I choose to take it as one.

So back in the box they went. What a crappy deal it is that I have to pay for return shipping! Why didn’t I see that before I bought them? As a rule I really am against my taking that risk and will only shop at places that have the free return deal. Blinded by shopping lust I guess. So, thank you IRS, insult to injury. I don’t want to exaggerate too much but this was really hard for me. And I was exorbitantly proud of my sacrifice.

And then today I went online and bought mushrooms (not the drug kind, the medicinal variety). I have just learned that they are amazing for your skin and energy levels. Good skin is a parallel obsession, so I am all in. IRS be damned! What is the point of reaching my goal weight if I am going to look old and wrinkly? (I have to plan ahead) We shall see if it works. I’m told I will see a difference in a week! I hope I can keep up with taking them. I do have 10 bottles of multi-vitamins that are also supposed to burn fat in my cabinet right now. I can’t seem to remember to take them. It’s like I WANT to be a fatty. In fairness I didn’t see immediate results and may have lost faith. That, and the fact that taking them on an empty stomach made me feel sick and that didn’t mesh with my trying not to eat thing. It is very complicated. Of course I should have stopped the auto delivery of them but I think in my mind I was really going to get back to taking them as soon as I started my “new” health regime which occurs every Monday.

*BTW, if you somehow were living under a rock and missed the mega hit “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” yia yia is greek for grandmother and I have one.

Death and Taxes and Dieting and Shopping

Tax time is an exercise in humiliation and failure.

Humiliation because, once again, I have not learned a thing about money even though it is #3 on my New Year’s Resolution list EVERY YEAR (Become alarmingly skinny is always #1, organizing my collection of little pieces of paper #2) and failure because my veneer of being a responsible adult completely crumbles as my eyes fill with shocked and bewildered tears and I sputter incoherently at the stranger who I’m paying to prepare my taxes. “I make NO money how could I possibly owe????” All the while I’m hoping they don’t notice my adorable and obviously brand new faux snake skin flats. I got them for practically nothing but they don’t know that.

Please don’t misunderstand me I don’t have buyer’s remorse. On the contrary, what I can’t wrap my brain around is why in the world I can’t claim my spending addictions as “dependents”. It seems unfair that my taxes go to schools and various kid friendly government programs when I DON’T HAVE ANY! Why, again, do I have to support other people’s breeding while they get a GIANT deduction for each little bundle they pop out? It is totally backwards and makes no sense to me. I am choosing to not have children therefore I should be able to allot that money toward a senseless but trendy ruffle blouse that I will wear once (still in for spring) and that, as my friend, Rose, claims “looks like a bustle for your boobs.”

I mean, come on, dieting alone is like a child I have nursed and nurtured for decades and, ps and by the way, I don’t see that changing in the near future. If it were up to me I should get $3400.00 for Dieting (my first born) and another $3400 for Shopping (the spoiled little baby of the family).
My kids are as much trouble as the next

“Dieting! How many times have I told you to take that fat roll off of mommy’s stomach?!?”

I need that money to keep them in line and to pay for their training and supplies.

I guess I should have sent the IRS one of those freakishly annoying “Christmas letters” so they would realize that I legitimately need that money.