I am Resolute

2010
1. Lose the same 7lbs I lost last year and gained back yesterday.
2. Learn about finances
3. Get my taxes done before the end of Feb.
4. Take a dance class
5. Do the splits
6. Do something creative every day (sleeping/dreaming counts)
7. Take trapeze lessons
8. Voice a cartoon
9. Continue to pretend that I'm learning to meditate
10. Learn to meditate
11. ban sugar and processed food from my life
12. wear more dresses

13. Stop being afraid of getting into trouble, not being perfect, being wrong, being told that I'm wrong, taking things personally, being uptight and feeling guilty about all of the above
14. Do stuff because I want to and not because I feel like I have to.
15. Make a visual journal
16. Do a back flip flop
17. Organize my apartment until it is actually organized instead of just until I get tired of it
18. Wear a jean skirt out in public
19. Wear cute stuff in my apartment even if I don't have to go outside
20. Buy bras I would want people to see even if they never do
21. Stop feeling guilty that I don't facebook and twitter very often even though I know it would make me cooler
22. Return people's emails sooner
23. Admit that I have a lot of shoes I'm not wearing and do something about it
24. Learn to draw
25. Write a book
26. Train the pugs to obey me instead of willfully ignoring my benevolent wisdom

Happy New You!

It is my favorite time of year. A time for setting goals and making lists, deciding I will achieve unattainable things (just as soon as I finish the last Twilight book). There is so much hope and optimism at the new year. Most importantly it is time to reinvent myself. Reinventing is most easily done with clothes. I like to start from the outside and work in. Let's face it the inside stuff is just too hard to start with. No matter where I start it all goes on the list. My list has no particular order and it isn't written in stone. It can morph, merge, become pronged and more detailed. There are no rules when it comes to my list.

A lot of my stuff gets carried over every year. I'm good with that. I don't like to feel like a failure and having incompletes on a list at the end of the year can really sour things. I never get tired of putting the same things on my list. I like to believe in endless possibility. No giving up. Losing weight has been on the list since 3rd grade, learning to draw - since 5th, learn to do a back flip flop - since 7th, do the splits - since 8th (I'm fairly certain this is going to be the year), learn about finances - since 2008. These are all making a comeback again this year.

Some things on the list obviously change according to where I am in my life. "Kiss Ricky Schroeder" was removed when Silver Spoons ended, "be a cartoon" morphed into "be the voice of a cartoon,"and "be more in control" has now become "give up control."

There are lots of exciting new things to look forward to in 2010 not the least of which is trying not to injure myself while trying to do hip hop.

A wrinkle in time (and wrinkles are never good).

The beginning of November is usually a time of hope and optimism for me. At this time of year I plan on getting all my holiday shopping done early, all of my loose ends tied up, my finances in order, my house cleaned and organized and everything in my life exactly as it should be (whatever the flip that means). It is as if I believe that every December 31st, I will expire and I must be ready (for what I am not sure).

I never ever actually get even close to meeting these lofty goals and they are therefore transferred to my New Year's resolution/to do list. Every year I think I am being proactive and on top of things and then suddenly it is Christmas and I haven't really gotten anything done.
I am always so surprised.

This time of year seems proof that time isn't linear but bends in the most obnoxious way. It can't possibly be my fault.

I'm aware of the pattern and yet every year I can't help but think "this year it will be different." So here I am, thinking about the gifts I will or will not be able to afford to give and how I might make personal and unique gifts as a way to make up for their inherent frugality.

If I do actually buy gifts way ahead of time, I usually forget that I've gotten them only to find them way after the fact. However, if I do think of a really special homemade gift, it is usually far too late in the game to make it a reality.

Because I have to mail all my gifts it would really behoove me to get it done early (and I know this) but I usually end up spending as much for shipping as I spent on the gift itself because I am apparently a hopeless procrastinator.

You would think that all this knowing and planning would help. But it doesn't.

I should probably just accept the fact that it will be the same this year.

But I won't.

This charade is clearly a nice, warm, familiar blanket.

How will I know it is Christmas without it?

In a long series of things to do I have a few more things to do.

I accomplished a HUGE project today. Something that has been on all of my To Do lists forever. It was a really exciting moment because I got to go through my apartment and pull out all of my various pieces of paper and cross it off of every To Do I had. I broke it down into smaller sections on some lists so I had the pleasure of scratching off multiple things.

The really annoying thing is that I still have so much To Do. Compiling my lists made me realize that in the meanwhile I've racked up a shit load of shit to do.

What I thought was going to be a shining moment, a huge weight lifted, the beginning of a long respite actually had the complete opposite effect.

So I've made a pact with myself. I'm not taking anything else on. No more. After all of this, I am done doing stuff. I'm quitting everything.

Just as soon as I finish everything on all of these lists.

I'm really looking forward to it. Sure these next few weeks are going to be intense as I try to power through all of this stuff that I haven't been able to accomplish in years. But hey, the reward is going to be SWEET.

I cannot wait until I have NOTHING TO DO.

I hope I don't die.

Wouldn't that be awful? I'm not even trying to be morbid. I mean wouldn't that just suck if life is only as long as it takes you to accomplish your to do lists? I guess in a profound, philosophical, grand scheme type thing that is true. But what if it were literally true?

You know what. I'm going to risk it. It will be such a great moment (and now maybe a scary one) when I scratch that last little thing off of my list.

Now should I make a master list or keep the lists I have? Good question.