The more things change, the more they just really don't change

I'm revisiting the idea that we create the patterns in our lives. I feel like I have gone through immense changes and yet, as I read excerpts from my seventh grade journal I am realizing that I am EXACTLY the same person. I have not evolved one bit. Nary an iota. I'm obsessing over my hair and my clothes, my weight and the fact that I heart some guy named Frank. I'm pretending that I hate everything (when I know, in fact, that I didn't). I mean it is ridiculous. Change the guys name to Newshead and I'm practically living my seventh grade life right now.

Earlier today I grabbed one of my many notebooks so I could write out some of my annoyance with myself at not being able to keep a jar of honey in the house for more than a week and my firm decision to go clean and lean starting tomorrow. In this notebook I found four days of "journaling" from 2002.

"Crabby, unmotivated, puffy, bloated, fat, fatigued, fucked up sleep, PMS. I feel I'm so close to breaking the barrier and then I go into a slump. I have to dig deep to find the magic feeling called confidence and strength. I really miss Ned. Glad I'm going home next week.
Things I can't have in the house:
Peanut Butter
Honey
Whole Wheat Crackers
Oreos
Ate almost a whole jar of honey today. What made me think I could have it? Duh.
Ok, I'm going to bed and I'm going to get up and try not to eat and hate myself some more. It will pass. This too shall pass..."

Seriously? And what's with the dramatics?

Well that is it. The jury is in. I am the common denominator. Time to take some responsibility. I am using this stuff as my identity. It is like a comfy blanket that I wrap myself in. When am I going to grow up and get over this stuff? Right now. That's when.

Actually, on second thought, why would I do that? If I actually achieved some level of self acceptance, what in the world would I talk about?

When Love Hurts

I was wearing some great shoes today. I love them. I had a plan to elevate my simple jeans and t-shirt thing with an interesting shoe choice. It made me happy.

Until they started to hurt. I was off in my calculations (how hot it is going to be x how much walking x how long I'm going to be out). It was too hot and therefore blisterville came earlier than I expected.

Luckily my last stop was the shoe store. I was on a mission for others today (yes I do shop for other people as well as myself). Kim needed to replace a brand new pair of yellow patent leather t-strap cuties that the neighbor's dog chewed (ouch!) and Rose is on the lookout for silver pumps. So, if the pain got to be too much, I was in the perfect place to remedy my situation.

I hobbled my way into the store (I never realized how long that walk was from the parking lot to the door). I immediately took my own shoes off. Which is weird when you aren't actually trying anything on yet but what are they going to say?

"No shoes. No service"

That wouldn't make any sense.

I made my way to the clearance section to see if any magic was going to happen. There really is nothing better than finding an expensive, beautiful, perfect pair of shoes that match the exact mood you are in with a 70% off sticker on them. Or finding a needle in a haystack as is the case with Kim's shoes.

Unfortunately today wasn't a magical day of gasps, sparkles and unicorns. In fact, there wasn't anything that made my heart skip a beat.

I began to look for an inexpensive but cute pair of flip flops to wear home and wouldn't you know it, there wasn't anything under $25.00.

Now, I love shoes. I love lots of things but I don't take any of it lightly. When I was little I loved my new shoes so much I would wear them to bed. I am of the mind that I simply cannot spend money on anything that doesn't make me feel like that. If I don't REALLY love it, if I wouldn't wear it or take it to bed, then I can't get it. No matter how much it is. And today's situation was especially stressful because I needed to be so sure about my choice that I would wear it out of the store, hence rendering it unreturnable. No room for doubt.

This poses a problem when you are standing in a sea of shoes with blistered feet and you can't find anything that fits that criteria. I couldn't spend $25.00 on a pair of flip flops when really all I needed was a bandaid.

After going around the store for a third time (I couldn't quite comprehend the fact that in this huge store there wasn't one pair I would take to bed with me), I came upon a pair of flats that looked eco-friendly (you know the style) and great for fall. They were super comfortable and I kind of loved them. I got excited but then as I was walking up to the register I started second guessing my motives. Was I talking myself into this choice out of necessity and pain or did I really love them? I became paralyzed for a moment. I started to wonder if I would just stay in the store forever, trapped by my own cluster fuck of indecision, self doubt and my inability to walk.

Eventually I started to get exasperated and annoyed with myself.

The only way to know if I love the shoes is to wait until I am out of desperation's clawing grip. I could

a) leave them there and hobble home
or
b) buy them and hobble home.

I'm staring at them right now. I can't wait to see how we feel about each other in the morning.

Phlebotomist is a word I love to say and I will every chance I get

We all have something that we love about ourselves and we all have something we hate. For me these things change from moment to moment depending on life, workout, water retention etc. On those days when I have a hard time finding something to like, I can always rely on my default: I have great veins.

I received my first compliment when I was donating blood.

Phlebotomist: You have really great veins.
Me: Really?
Phlebotomist: I bet you hear that a lot.
Me: No, not really.
Phlebotomist: This is going to be my easiest stick all day. What a pleasure.
Me: Ummm, thanks.
Phlebotomist: Wow, that bag filled up quickly.

Gross.

And yet, after I recovered from passing out and was enjoying my jelly dot cookie (they made me eat it) I decided that if all else failed at least these veins were something I could always love about myself. Up to this point they were something of an annoyance. I always knew they were pretty prominent considering my practically see through skin but I didn't really have time to obsess about them what with my thighs and bad hair days and homework and stuff. Well it doesn't take as much time or effort to actually like something about yourself so I welcomed the opportunity.

I credit my veins for getting me a part in Dracula. These babies make me really attractive to vampires. Awesome.

Another plus: if I'm ever in some kind of accident and I need blood, there will be no time wasted trying to find my veins for a transfusion. That's valuable.

So anyway, my fingers feel like sausages today and I didn't have time to workout but at least I have my veins. That's all I'm saying.