The Mommie dearest in me.

Today I just feel like throwing out all my shoes. It's not that I hate them, it's just that lately I've been feeling like I don't have the perfect shoes for the outfits I'm putting together. So I settle. Which I kinda hate and that makes me want to throw them all out and start over, even though I know that is stupid on so many levels. I imagine this is how people sometimes feel about their kids. What?

I have threatened to take them to the "bad shoe home" if they don't shape up. I vividly remember the "bad girl home" threat being particularly effective. Especially the time we did a drive by. Perhaps I should take a swing by the goodwill with all my shoes, or better yet, one of those drop boxes where things fall out and are scattered all over the parking lot in desolate disarray. That should put the fear of DSW in them.

On the other hand, maybe I will go and buy one pair of shoes that I will favor in order to create some healthy competition for my attention. I feel obliged to say that my parents did not do this. However, it is something I would do as a parent hence, my knowing better than to have children.

I do have my tax appointment next week and for anyone keeping track that means I will have accomplished one of my resolutions. However, the more important resolution of actually learning about finances has not happened so I fear a repeat of last year's tax/shoe debacle. Why would I buy a pair of shoes that I love above all my other shoes only to have the heartbreak and humiliation of returning them when I find out I owe thousands of dollars to the IRS? It flies too close to masochism in my book. I can't stand the thought of having to crawl back to my old shoes and beg their forgiveness in a dramatic Shakespearianesque downfall through hubris situation.

I guess I better find a way to suck it up and fall in love with my old shoes again.
This sucks.

Come ON!

First let me say that Urban Outfitters is absolutely one of my favorite stores. ever. They have interesting pieces, beautiful cardigans, cute dresses, and great sales. While their catalog has of late made me feel like I'm about 25 years too old for their image, I shop there anyway. I simply eschew that feeling because, quite frankly, the 11 year old pre-pubescent girls that they have modeling, look ridiculous in most of their stuff. They should stick to early/mid 20's looking models as that is the demographic I like to be too old for.

Anyhoo, I came across these boots while trolling the UO site. It is the "Jeffrey Campbell lace, over the knee boot."

Ummm ya think?

The boot shaft is 22"! I measured it on my leg and that boot would have to be named the "Jeffrey Campbell a teeny bit below the cooch" boot. Unbelievable. I mean seriously, who's leg will that fit on? I want to see that leg. It is making me angry that those legs even exist.

I just...
can't.

I'm out.

Everything and Nothing

I have always had a penchant for masculine looking shoes which is why I am pleased to see them making a strong showing lately. I'm so glad that I still have my manish fluevog loafers from 10 years ago. Hoarding can actually come in handy sometimes.

Rose and I were at H&M last night and low and behold they have a Jimmy Choo man's inspired lace up with some Elton John like, blingy flair. For anyone who hasn't heard (or couldn't put it together from what I just said), Jimmy Choo is at H&M. The price tag is high for H&M but extremely inexpensive for a Jimmy Choo meeting nicely in the middle much like the shoe itself which meets somewhere between masculine and feminine.

This brings me to one of my favorite words:
Androgyny
I love it because it simultaneously means "neither" and "both."
Seriously, look it up.

"A state of having both masculine and feminine traits; A state of appearing to be neither masculine nor feminine"

"showing characteristics of both sexes "
"Pertaining to a characteristic that is not definitively male or female; A condition in which gender is unknown, ambivalent, indeterminate, or neuter; Possessing qualities of both sexes"

It is also a song by Garbage. That I did not know.

Androgyny has made a splash on the runway, in music, theatre, in feminism, the lesbian community, the gay community, it has symbolized freedom, empowerment, rebellion, sexuality, sexual orientation, identity.

It's like the greatest word ever.

What I'm trying to say is, it would be cool to own a pair of Jimmy Choo's.
That and I love k.d. lang.

Dress code: Business Attire

I just spent a week having to wear conservative "business attire" and let me tell you, I feel for people who have to spend the majority of their lives in "business attire."

First of all, it is way more difficult to show your individuality and personality with those tight boundaries. I hate having to worry if something is too flashy or crosses the line from conservative to...what is the opposite of conservative...stylish? No, there HAS to be some sense of style that still falls into conservative boundaries. Right? Is it that you aren't to draw too much attention to yourself?

I mean I get that there are skirt lengths and shoes that are unprofessional in the "business" sense of the word. I know slutty isn't professional unless you are a porn star. I'm talking more about the subtleties. Where is the line between drone and funky?

Shoes are an area for personality in the world of suits but they pose a difficulty. You have to wear shoes that are comfortable enough to last an 8-12 hour work day. How many super cute shoes fit that criteria?

Additionally, suits are expensive. I guess it is assumed that you can wear them over and over without judgment and therefore you need to invest in fewer of them. That sucks.

Literally, the blazers I bought 3 years ago seem frumpy now and I hate being the person who tries to pull of blacks that don't match as a suit. I had to do it but I hated myself every minute.

Anyway, my point is that my sympathies go out to those who have to live with such restrictive and expensive attire. Suits feel too much like uniforms. I've had to wear my share of Diner restaurant uniforms and while it made getting dressed much simpler, I felt like a little piece of me died every day.

Sigh.

The sole that sunk a thousand ships full of shoes

I may have said this before. It is hard to keep track and let's face it, I've admitted to having recurring/repeat thoughts.

I don't understand people who "don't like" to shop. I'm married to one and I still can't get over how weird it is. Newshead's idea of shopping is going in, getting exactly what you were looking for and walking out. Bizarre.

I bring things home for him because if I had to wait for him to go shopping for clothes, he would look like a homeless person after awhile. If you are having any doubts, this is a person who says "but I have a pair of brown shoes" and until they fall off his feet he doesn't see the need for another pair. First of all, just because they are brown doesn't mean they are the same. Secondly, I don't believe in a universal, uber shoe. Doesn't exist. Shoes have a great deal of personality and they have quite a bit to say. They can change a blah outfit into something special. The right shoes have the power to elevate your entire look. It is all about the details and shoes are a very important detail, please don't neglect them.

Not only does Newshead dislike shopping, he is actually suspicious of stores. Buying him things is like navigating a land mine, one wrong move and that's it. I finally got him to wear a new pair of brown shoes to work and an hour later he emailed me to say that the sole was coming off. Then he said we better return all the shoes because the store was obviously trying to sell us crap. One pair of faulty shoes on a clearance rack and the entire industry just crumbled. It is lunacy and I'm not quite sure how to combat such faulty logic. Talk about throwing out the baby with the bathwater. It is enough to drive a style therapist to madness.

There are a lot of people out there like Newshead.

I have got my work cut out for me.

Well I have to take this. And this. And this. And this. and, of course, this.

I went to a co-ed camp all through Jr. high and high school. I went because it was co-ed and I really liked the idea of being away from home with the possibility that I would have a fabulous summer romance. I just found a notebook from seventh grade where I have a "List 4 Camp" proving that I:

a) have always been a fan of lists
b) have NEVER been a light packer
c) have never really understood the concept of "camping"

On my list I have things like toothpaste, soap and the usual but then there is this other section that reads:

Gel
Blow Dryer
Mascara
Blush/Brush
Eyeliner - Black/Blue
lipgloss
Electric razor
Nail polish/remover
Contact stuff - heater/water/pills
Brush
Barrettes
lotion

Seriously?

My favorite part is the "Shoe" section of the list.

Shoes - boat shoes, vans, mocs, sandals, pink/grey gyms, slippers

That is 6 pairs of shoes and some slippers! How big was my suitcase? Camp was only a week.

I distinctly remember being there and feeling like I didn't bring the right clothes and wished I had more to choose from. I felt like I was roughing it.

As I have matured I have come to accept the fact that camping isn't my thing.

I'd love to be that girl but, alas, I am not. And I'm pretty ok with it. I'm not even trying to change it anymore. I believe I have more readily accepted the fact that I'm not a camper than the fact that I'm not tall. I'm actually still holding out for some longer legs.

Just a couple of weeks ago someone asked me if I had any camping equipment and I burst out laughing.

I should have given them the above list and told them that I have all of those things if they ever need them.

Is it just me or are you crazy?

So, I was sharing the size 7 clearance aisle at DSW with a woman and her, no more than 9 month old, son. Oh, and their giant stroller. You know what. Mom's need to shop. I get it. However, I didn't appreciate having to hear their really loud, I mean LOUD, one sided (for obvious reasons) conversation. It was non stop talking in that fake, high pitched, sing songy tone. All the while being completely in my way.

"I know. Those are cute aren't they? You're cute too. Yes, you are. Oh look at these." "You ruined mommy's figure and her feet. Didn't you? Didn't you? Oh well, you're worth it." "Oh, what's wrong. You can't let mommy shop. I know. I know. What? What? These look nice."

What the fuck? Is she kidding me with this? It is as if she were having the conversation for my benefit. Well here's a tip: DON'T. If you want to talk to me, talk to me. If not, why don't you try using your 'inside voice'.

"What? What? These aren't for mommy now. Back in the day maybe." "what do you think of these. Huh? You like them? Do you? Come on what? Sparkly huh?" "I know. I know what you want. Hold on. Ok, but just wait. Here you go"

At this point she sits on the floor in the aisle and starts breast feeding. And the chit chat continued. Great. I'm out. I can't shop for shoes now. This is ridiculous. The stroller in the way, them in the way, and the constant fucking inane chatter!

"YOU ARE RUINING THE CLEARACE AISLE FOR ME!"

I didn't scream out loud. Only in my head.

Seriously, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the minimum age of someone to solicit fashion advice from is 5 years old.

I'm gonna hold firm on that.

The ancient art of shopping

Tomorrow is a shopping day. Rose is still on the hunt for silver pumps and Tracy and I are only too happy to oblige. Serious, mission oriented shopping is nothing to sneeze at and there many important considerations. Shopping outfits for one. Comfort and simplicity are of the utmost importance. Comfort because I'm likely to be out for the length of an entire work day and simplicity because trying things on shouldn't be a complicated affair. Shoes with lots of buckles would be cumbersome and any outfit that is difficult to reassemble in a tiny dressing room would just be an unnecessary hassle. The opposite is true if you are actually trying not to fall in love with anything. Then by all means make it as difficult as possible. In certain situations you need to be prepared to try things on over your clothes so I try not to wear anything too bulky. One of the hardest outfits to put together is the perfect shopping outfit. It requires a certain amount of endurance and yet must retain the proper level of happy making cuteness. Also don't forget to bring a sweater for later in the evening and a comfortable purse is a MUST.

Oh I have more tips. Read on.

The proper level of hydration is an important consideration. If shopping in an area where bathrooms are a rarity, you must go before you leave and stop drinking as soon as you do. This is the one time I will say leave that water bottle at home. You should strategically find some water when you are out (about 30 minutes before you anticipate finding a restroom). If you have dips in energy that will prove a liability or will thwart your mission, you MUST bring a snack. Or take some drugs. Almonds, string cheese, caffeine, whatever. I don't suggest candy. Trust me when I say, a Mike and Ike sugar crash is not what you need when you are thinking about making a purchase. That never ends well.

It is key to remember that there are a lot of annoying people out there in the shopping world. You must not let them get to you. Use affirmations or deep breathing or whatever works for you. Don't engage in their crabbiness or their weird competitive shopping rituals. Remember shopping is a sport but it isn't a competitive one. There is always going to be more stuff and more deals and nothing is worth ruining a pleasant day.

When Love Hurts

I was wearing some great shoes today. I love them. I had a plan to elevate my simple jeans and t-shirt thing with an interesting shoe choice. It made me happy.

Until they started to hurt. I was off in my calculations (how hot it is going to be x how much walking x how long I'm going to be out). It was too hot and therefore blisterville came earlier than I expected.

Luckily my last stop was the shoe store. I was on a mission for others today (yes I do shop for other people as well as myself). Kim needed to replace a brand new pair of yellow patent leather t-strap cuties that the neighbor's dog chewed (ouch!) and Rose is on the lookout for silver pumps. So, if the pain got to be too much, I was in the perfect place to remedy my situation.

I hobbled my way into the store (I never realized how long that walk was from the parking lot to the door). I immediately took my own shoes off. Which is weird when you aren't actually trying anything on yet but what are they going to say?

"No shoes. No service"

That wouldn't make any sense.

I made my way to the clearance section to see if any magic was going to happen. There really is nothing better than finding an expensive, beautiful, perfect pair of shoes that match the exact mood you are in with a 70% off sticker on them. Or finding a needle in a haystack as is the case with Kim's shoes.

Unfortunately today wasn't a magical day of gasps, sparkles and unicorns. In fact, there wasn't anything that made my heart skip a beat.

I began to look for an inexpensive but cute pair of flip flops to wear home and wouldn't you know it, there wasn't anything under $25.00.

Now, I love shoes. I love lots of things but I don't take any of it lightly. When I was little I loved my new shoes so much I would wear them to bed. I am of the mind that I simply cannot spend money on anything that doesn't make me feel like that. If I don't REALLY love it, if I wouldn't wear it or take it to bed, then I can't get it. No matter how much it is. And today's situation was especially stressful because I needed to be so sure about my choice that I would wear it out of the store, hence rendering it unreturnable. No room for doubt.

This poses a problem when you are standing in a sea of shoes with blistered feet and you can't find anything that fits that criteria. I couldn't spend $25.00 on a pair of flip flops when really all I needed was a bandaid.

After going around the store for a third time (I couldn't quite comprehend the fact that in this huge store there wasn't one pair I would take to bed with me), I came upon a pair of flats that looked eco-friendly (you know the style) and great for fall. They were super comfortable and I kind of loved them. I got excited but then as I was walking up to the register I started second guessing my motives. Was I talking myself into this choice out of necessity and pain or did I really love them? I became paralyzed for a moment. I started to wonder if I would just stay in the store forever, trapped by my own cluster fuck of indecision, self doubt and my inability to walk.

Eventually I started to get exasperated and annoyed with myself.

The only way to know if I love the shoes is to wait until I am out of desperation's clawing grip. I could

a) leave them there and hobble home
or
b) buy them and hobble home.

I'm staring at them right now. I can't wait to see how we feel about each other in the morning.

You can take my shoes...but not my pride

Yesterday, I returned the adorable wedges with the pictures of pin up girls all over them since the IRS has decided to cramp my style. They were going to be my show stopper, summer shoe. A conversation piece and a great shoe all in one. However, I couldn’t rationalize it since they came the day the IRS drained my checking account. Had they come before or way after, I could have pulled it off in my own mind. But no, the timing couldn’t be worse. So I wore them around the house to try and get my fix and while Ned was oddly fascinated by them and said they were “so cute” it really wasn’t the same as girlie admiration from my friends. Or even the tiny triumph when my yia yia* shakes her head and says “well you can pull it off” which isn’t really a compliment but I choose to take it as one.

So back in the box they went. What a crappy deal it is that I have to pay for return shipping! Why didn’t I see that before I bought them? As a rule I really am against my taking that risk and will only shop at places that have the free return deal. Blinded by shopping lust I guess. So, thank you IRS, insult to injury. I don’t want to exaggerate too much but this was really hard for me. And I was exorbitantly proud of my sacrifice.

And then today I went online and bought mushrooms (not the drug kind, the medicinal variety). I have just learned that they are amazing for your skin and energy levels. Good skin is a parallel obsession, so I am all in. IRS be damned! What is the point of reaching my goal weight if I am going to look old and wrinkly? (I have to plan ahead) We shall see if it works. I’m told I will see a difference in a week! I hope I can keep up with taking them. I do have 10 bottles of multi-vitamins that are also supposed to burn fat in my cabinet right now. I can’t seem to remember to take them. It’s like I WANT to be a fatty. In fairness I didn’t see immediate results and may have lost faith. That, and the fact that taking them on an empty stomach made me feel sick and that didn’t mesh with my trying not to eat thing. It is very complicated. Of course I should have stopped the auto delivery of them but I think in my mind I was really going to get back to taking them as soon as I started my “new” health regime which occurs every Monday.

*BTW, if you somehow were living under a rock and missed the mega hit “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” yia yia is greek for grandmother and I have one.