I know what you are thinking but I'm doing it anyway.

I had a dream I was waiting on the Obamas.

Me: Hi, how are you? What can I get for you this evening?
President Obama: Hello, Krista. (huh, they know my name now) Well, what will you be having?
Me: (terribly impressed at the invite) Oh, thank you! I'm really not very hungry tonight.
President Obama: Now come on.
Me: Oh you know it is back to school time so I'm really watching it, plus I'm feeling really puffy today (at this point I streatched out my arm and pinched the lunch lady fat under my tricep)

Everyone at the table chuckled with understanding and then Michelle Obama ordered the low cal plate (hamburger patty with a scoop of cottage cheese and canned peaches) and President Obama ordered the fish special as a complete dinner (tapioca instead of rice pudding). Why they were regulars at a diner in Carol Stream, I will never know but apparently they were.

Then I told my assistant (uh huh) to get them whatever they needed because I was excited to go and chat with my friend Kristina who surprised us with a visit and she had a sassy new haircut. It was a shorter version of the haircut I had freshman year of high school and it looked really cute.

Now I know that people say no one wants to hear about your dreams (jonathan) especially if they aren't in them (rose) but this one seemed really important.

Plus, I'm a rule breaker.

Nostalgia is as nostalgia does and some such

Here are some really important things you should know:

I can spot a ding dong from a mile away.
I knew a 'zinger' as soon as I saw it (and got a little teary) even though I don't recall ever having one.
In a completely unblind taste test, the crumb cake beats out both the ding dong and the twinkie based on the criteria of fresh moist cake and the zinger wins for best cake to creme filling ratio.

In the spirit of full disclosure the zebra cake, star crunch and nutty bar were noticeably absent from said taste test. I wandered the streets trying to find them but to no avail. They still haunt my dreams.

After two days of eating nostalgia I was reminded that my problem goes way back. I may tell myself I can quit at any time but the reality is...

I'm a junkie

Perhaps this was the tipping point for the all carb showdown last week.

you think?

mystery lips

So I have had severely chapped lips for the past two months. I was convinced I got a little over zealous with the anti-aging cream and had burnt the shit out of them. When that wasn't it I threw out an old sticky lipgloss that I thought might have been the culprit. Still awful. I went through four tubes of lip balm medicated and otherwise and put every hydrating thing I could find on my lips. I did a sugar scrub, exfoliated with a wet wash cloth, moisturizing lip scrub, a lip peel...nothing!

I've not really had this problem in the past so I'm a bit perplexed. Every time I think it is better it flares up again. I'm obsessed with figuring out what I'm using that is making this happen. The only thing that has seemed to help is pure vitamin E oil which I only just discovered this week. I thought I had solved my problem but then tonight it got bad again. It actually looks like I had some kind of bad collagen lip procedure done.

I will admit that because my lips are swollen, the wrinkles I was worried about aren't really visable right now. So there's a silver lining. However, the downside is that I can't wear any color on my lips or I look like a dehydrated corpse. Like if I was going for zombie lips it would be impressive. Unfortunately, I don't need that look at the present moment so it is a waste.

I asked my friend the internet about the severity of the problem and overwhelmingly everyone is suggesting that I have an allergy. Probably to the very thing I am using to help cure me. Lip Balm. Goddamnit! I just bought a new one that smells like the most amazing vanilla frosting and another tinted one that smells like a tropical drink. Into the garbage. I am so sad about it. I am relieved however, to think that it is just lip balm. I can work around that. Newshead said "wouldn't it be awful if you were allergic to makeup?"

Oh the horror. I can't even speak.

Death by carbs

What if I had an "all carb" day. What if I had a croissant for breakfast, pinkberry as a pre-lunch snack, 9 mini almond biscottis for lunch (man those things don't fill you up. They are "mini" after all), polenta as an appetizer and then for dinner, pasta and garlic bread with an apple crisp chaser. And then on the way home what if I heard the song "Pour some sugar on me..." how appropos. I AM "hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet" because I ate all that crap. "You've got the peaches, I've got the cream..." I never heard that part before. Hmmm.

That would just seem like a weird day. Wouldn't it?

I feel gross.

It's sick really

I went to the doctor to have a mole type thing removed from my practically transparent, cancer magnet of an epidermis. (Oh for some beautiful, protective pigment). I don't actually have the c word yet but I'm pretty sure it's lurking so I constantly go to the dermatologist and point to things on my body that I'm concerned about. I don't like going to the doctor at all and I'm not a hypochondriac. I am really trying to see if I can get some microdermabrasion or some other fabulous facial type service and have it only cost me a co-pay. The upside of the HMO is that I can go to the doctor whenever I want without worrying about spending too much. The downside is they're not into microdermabrasion or anything fancy. So the doctor removed the mole type thing and said I could go down to the pharmacy and get this antibiotic ointment stuff. Which I assumed was like neosporin which I have at home. I was about to leave when I started thinking

"well maybe it isn't like neosporin. Maybe it is better than neosporin. I like neosporin a lot, I think it is miraculous but maybe I want something new. I'll just go down to the ghetto pharmacy in the building and check it out. I mean, if I don't need it I won't get it. This place is so dingy. Hmmm what are those? pill boxes. I could use a pill box. These aren't bad. I would buy that. Ok, if I'm getting the ointment, I'll get that hand lotion too. Maybe I should get this chapstick. I don't really need it but I'll get it since I'm here. They don't really have much and all these boxes look dusty. Oh, here's the ointment. It isn't even prescription. It is exactly like neosporin. Should I get it anyway? No. Jesus. Get it together! You don't need anything. Krista, put everything down and walk out of the gross pharmacy NOW!"

This just proves that I could find something to buy anywhere. I do have a sickness.

The many virtues of the legging

I am a huge fan of the leggings comeback. I remember loving them back in college and pairing them with the most giant sweaters one has ever seen. Not my finest moment but at least I have a chance to redeem myself.

Leggings really give new life to the sundresses I feel awkward wearing with a bare leg. Sometimes you feel a little more veiny than usual or your knees feel fat or you have weird bruises all over or you didn't have time to shave. Leggings. That's the answer. They have the added benefit of making you feel a little like a dancer. And dancers are really fit so that's cool. Leggings are also cooler than jeans so you can wear a pants dress look even on the hottest of days. Additionally, and I'm not sure why this is but, you can wear a shorter skirt with leggings than you can without. There are some really cute skirts out there that are now possible. Fantastic. I mean truly, leggings are the new tan.

"let's face it. legginged fat is better than pasty white fat."

I hear lululemon has leggings that go great under clothes but also double as a workout pant. Actually, I have heard numerous times that lululemon pants are magical but I refuse to try them on until I can afford to be addicted to $95 workout pants because we all know that they are one try on away from becoming my newest obsession. Thank goodness Forever 21 has leggings for $5 and since I workout at home, I could wear them for that if I wanted to.
Some day lululemon. Some day.

Dear Diary,
Today I saw leggings
that looked like denim.
They even had pockets
painted on the butt. I
guess the effect is the
tightest “jeans” you
have ever owned but
you don’t have to lay on
the bed to zip them up.
I’m not sure how I feel
about that. I believe
tight jeans should
require a little work.

Sometimes trends come out of necessity and sheer force of will. make it so.

Here's the thing. I seem to have a lot of pants in my closet that I'm not wearing because I haven't had them hemmed. I tend to get really excited by any pair of pants that will accommodate my thighs regardless of the length. Well with my own personal recession going on I haven't been able to pull the trigger on going to the dry cleaners. That and I can't decide what shoes to hem them to. It seems such a permanent decision and then the choice problem comes into play. So I think I am going to start a new trend of wearing pants that are slightly different lengths. Whether I decide to just cut them or get a needle and thread and sew them myself, the result will be the same: they will be uneven and look like the handy work of a five year old.

I am going to tell everyone "it's the new thing" If I just keep saying it is totally in and wear them with confidence, I think I can pull it off. Who knows, maybe lots of people will start wearing my new "unkempt hem look."

"OMG, I love your pants. Is that the new 'chewed' hem by Baby Tiger?"
"it is! Aren't they fantastic. Totally worth the tons of money I paid for them."
"I really like yours too. That hem is so unique."
"Thanks. I love that no two hems are alike. These even have different colored thread because she didn't have enough blue."
"It's a great look. I heard she only sews with hotel sewing kits."
"I know. So innovative."
"I wish I could not know how to sew like her."
"Me too."
"sigh"
"sigh"

Totally gonna do it.