Come ON!

First let me say that Urban Outfitters is absolutely one of my favorite stores. ever. They have interesting pieces, beautiful cardigans, cute dresses, and great sales. While their catalog has of late made me feel like I'm about 25 years too old for their image, I shop there anyway. I simply eschew that feeling because, quite frankly, the 11 year old pre-pubescent girls that they have modeling, look ridiculous in most of their stuff. They should stick to early/mid 20's looking models as that is the demographic I like to be too old for.

Anyhoo, I came across these boots while trolling the UO site. It is the "Jeffrey Campbell lace, over the knee boot."

Ummm ya think?

The boot shaft is 22"! I measured it on my leg and that boot would have to be named the "Jeffrey Campbell a teeny bit below the cooch" boot. Unbelievable. I mean seriously, who's leg will that fit on? I want to see that leg. It is making me angry that those legs even exist.

I just...
can't.

I'm out.

Fashion ingenuity applauded and then criticized just a little

We are in the midst of a torrential downpour and today I spied a woman wearing a plastic Target bag as a skirt! GENIUS. Actually it was over pants so it was more like "pants skirt." If I wasn't driving I would for sure have snapped a picture but I was afraid I would splash her with a wall of water in my attempt.

I sincerely applaud her ingenuity.

However, the whole thing was fueled solely by practicality and I feel if you are on the path to greatness you should really go all the way.

I'd like to explore her options:

The bag was one of the mid sized large ones you get when you buy pillows or a puffy throw. So it turned out to be a kind of boxy, below the knee skirt. You could use the small standard size bag to create a cute mini skirt or one of the really big long bags to do a cocktail length number.

She wore it handle side down and I'm guessing she cut a small hole in the bottom and then pulled it over her head so the hole was small enough not to fall over her hips. Is it unfair to say that it would have added a little something special if she had knotted the handles a couple of times?

Now, what if you put your legs through a small hole in the bottom of the bag and tied the handles together around your waist so that it stayed a little tighter around the legs creating a tulip skirt? Nice.

Or what about double bagging and then pulling the handles up from the bottom giving you a bustle or pouf skirt thing going on? I like it.

Obviously Target isn't the only bag you can use but if you have bright, shiny red rain boots then it just seems obvious.

Here's something weird that I didn't think of until now, while she did have an umbrella, she didn't roll up her pants at all and she wasn't wearing rain boots. Why take such innovative measures to protect your pants from waist to knee, but do nothing to protect your pants from the knee down? I'm going to strongly suggest tights and rain boots to really make this outfit both super cute and practical.

On a final note, Target bag skirt lady didn't seem as proud of her invention as I would have been. I would have been strutting around like I was all that and then some.

It's like she doesn't even know how awesome she is.

That is just heartbreaking.

Everything and Nothing

I have always had a penchant for masculine looking shoes which is why I am pleased to see them making a strong showing lately. I'm so glad that I still have my manish fluevog loafers from 10 years ago. Hoarding can actually come in handy sometimes.

Rose and I were at H&M last night and low and behold they have a Jimmy Choo man's inspired lace up with some Elton John like, blingy flair. For anyone who hasn't heard (or couldn't put it together from what I just said), Jimmy Choo is at H&M. The price tag is high for H&M but extremely inexpensive for a Jimmy Choo meeting nicely in the middle much like the shoe itself which meets somewhere between masculine and feminine.

This brings me to one of my favorite words:
Androgyny
I love it because it simultaneously means "neither" and "both."
Seriously, look it up.

"A state of having both masculine and feminine traits; A state of appearing to be neither masculine nor feminine"

"showing characteristics of both sexes "
"Pertaining to a characteristic that is not definitively male or female; A condition in which gender is unknown, ambivalent, indeterminate, or neuter; Possessing qualities of both sexes"

It is also a song by Garbage. That I did not know.

Androgyny has made a splash on the runway, in music, theatre, in feminism, the lesbian community, the gay community, it has symbolized freedom, empowerment, rebellion, sexuality, sexual orientation, identity.

It's like the greatest word ever.

What I'm trying to say is, it would be cool to own a pair of Jimmy Choo's.
That and I love k.d. lang.

I'm not uniform

In general, I am anti-uniform. I truly believe that uniforms stamp out individuality and that is a crime. Expressing yourself through your clothing is pretty much what I am all about. I think being dressed like everyone else makes you feel helpless and defeated.
Ok, I'm not going to lie, the real reason I hate uniforms is because uniforms hate me.
They started it.

I personally do not have a figure for uniforms (none of them). Every uniform known to man makes my thighs look bigger, my legs look shorter, my ass gigantic, it just plain brings out all of my worst qualities and to make matters worse there is always that stupid bitch who looks amazing in whatever potato sack she's given. PS and by the way, that stupid bitch is usually my friend and is therefore constantly standing next to me like a giant neon "I'm with fatty" sign.
My greatest fear is being in one of those "Who Wore it Best" features. Ugh.

That being said, I'm not thrilled with the burden of freedom that I have at my new job. I know, I'm very hard to please, but hear me out. As a waitress you have some interesting obstacles when it comes to choosing clothing. You need something that represents who you are and yet can withstand the constant threat of destruction. Can you love your clothes and yet be willing to let them go when they are attacked by red wine, sweat and bleach? I'm not that evolved. That kind of thinking really goes against my hoarding instincts. Shoe options are restricted to comfortable which creates an interesting obstacle. Everything has to look good with or without an apron. On the plus side, I think aprons are flattering and I'm considering incorporating them into my non-work fashion.

I was a huge fan of the "all black" dress code at my last restaurant because
a) black is flattering
b) black hides a mess
c) I had specific work clothes which eliminated difficult decisions and piles of discarded outfits
d) All black looked like a uniform but with none of the drawbacks of an actual uniform (see above)

There isn't anything saying I can't wear all black at my new job.
But somehow that feels like cheating. I mean, I am a style therapist. I have a reputation to consider.
And what would I do with all the things I just bought "ya know, for work."

Another reason good style is essential.

"Being well turned out shows respect for the world you live in."

--Daphne Guinness

I agree with this and, yes, it makes me want to buy her super expensive perfume that is only being sold at Barneys. Never mind that I've never been to Barneys.

Dress code: Business Attire

I just spent a week having to wear conservative "business attire" and let me tell you, I feel for people who have to spend the majority of their lives in "business attire."

First of all, it is way more difficult to show your individuality and personality with those tight boundaries. I hate having to worry if something is too flashy or crosses the line from conservative to...what is the opposite of conservative...stylish? No, there HAS to be some sense of style that still falls into conservative boundaries. Right? Is it that you aren't to draw too much attention to yourself?

I mean I get that there are skirt lengths and shoes that are unprofessional in the "business" sense of the word. I know slutty isn't professional unless you are a porn star. I'm talking more about the subtleties. Where is the line between drone and funky?

Shoes are an area for personality in the world of suits but they pose a difficulty. You have to wear shoes that are comfortable enough to last an 8-12 hour work day. How many super cute shoes fit that criteria?

Additionally, suits are expensive. I guess it is assumed that you can wear them over and over without judgment and therefore you need to invest in fewer of them. That sucks.

Literally, the blazers I bought 3 years ago seem frumpy now and I hate being the person who tries to pull of blacks that don't match as a suit. I had to do it but I hated myself every minute.

Anyway, my point is that my sympathies go out to those who have to live with such restrictive and expensive attire. Suits feel too much like uniforms. I've had to wear my share of Diner restaurant uniforms and while it made getting dressed much simpler, I felt like a little piece of me died every day.

Sigh.

Mortally wounded

Here's something you don't want to hear:

"I'm really liking the way my hair is now. It's very Thomas Jefferson."

That was Newshead. I waited for the laugh. It never came. I scoured his words for even a hint of sarcasm. Nothing.

I mean seriously, what am I supposed to do with that? I try to be open minded and supportive of most choices but I'm sorry, you're not supposed to look like Thomas Jefferson unless you are actually playing Thomas Jefferson.

It is almost like he hates me.

Some period hairstyles fall into the category of "Retro" or "vintage" and it works. 1776 doesn't happen to be one of those periods.

Gwen Stefani has it down. It works. Mormon polygamists? Nope. Sometimes the rules aren't hard and fast. You just have to have a feel for it.

Even if he was trying to sell it to me as "Thomas Jeffersonesque" or a "modern day TJ," but no, it is straight up Thomas Jefferson.

I think I'm going to cry.

I double dare you.

Everyone has their own quirks and a private list of things they won't allow themselves to wear because of a specific area they are microscopically obsessed with. I'm not saying it is right (or rational) I'm saying it exists. It can't just be me.

As my areas of scrutiny begin to shift with my age I am determined to let one weird obsession go for every one I take on. I mean seriously, I can't just add nonsense. That would be crazy. So I'm bartering. If I'm going to analyze the crepe-like skin on my arm, I have to give up obsessing about the plucked chicken look of the skin on my legs. I do have to dare myself to wear different things, like a dress with bare legs. Now I do wear boots with it so my leg isn't entirely bare but still, I was showing an entirely different part of my leg. No portion of my thighs have seen the sun since the early 80's so imagine their shock when I wore cut off jean shorts (SHORTS!) with boots. And imagine how pale.

Scary.

And yet, it was oddly liberating.

The more you know...

I worked for 14 hours at a charity event and by the time I got home I wanted to burn everything I was wearing.
No outfit can sustain that kind of time. I can't wear something all day long and into the evening without getting completely sick of it. It actually makes me angry.
Now I don't need to switch as much as they do at the Oscars but I do have a limit. As cute as my outfit starts out, it always loses it's sheen about halfway through a long day.

Over wearing is a danger that no one really talks about. Until now.
I'm not afraid to speak out. I am here to warn you that once you max out, you may never wear that outfit again. And that is a tragedy.

My favorite magazine feature is the "How to take your outfit from day to night" articles. It is like a public service announcement for fashion. Some think it is a feature about convenience, but in reality it is about preserving the integrity of your relationship to your clothes.

The beauty of a day to night outfit is that you take an element of your outfit and turn it into a new outfit. You also freshen up and change your makeup and sometimes your hair thereby heading off animosity and bad moods stemming from fashion max out.

No one wins when you are full of hate...
for your clothes.

There may be bigger things to worry about but I can't see that right now

I know it is irrational but I can't stand it when people wear gym clothes to places other than the gym. It really drives me nuts and I think it looks odd.

Exceptions are:
convenient store
coffee shop

Exceptions are for any place that is a run in run out situation or coffee post workout is acceptable (but still kind of pushing it). Have at least one element on that doesn't look like you are working out. Like put a cute top over your leggings or wide leg pants with your work out top. That is still convenient without being annoying.

I think it is pretentious or lazy or something.

My bad reaction is disproportionate to the crime and I haven't figured out why yet.

"Fine, great you workout. Like you need to throw it in our faces."

Whatever.

Is it just me or are you crazy?

So, I was sharing the size 7 clearance aisle at DSW with a woman and her, no more than 9 month old, son. Oh, and their giant stroller. You know what. Mom's need to shop. I get it. However, I didn't appreciate having to hear their really loud, I mean LOUD, one sided (for obvious reasons) conversation. It was non stop talking in that fake, high pitched, sing songy tone. All the while being completely in my way.

"I know. Those are cute aren't they? You're cute too. Yes, you are. Oh look at these." "You ruined mommy's figure and her feet. Didn't you? Didn't you? Oh well, you're worth it." "Oh, what's wrong. You can't let mommy shop. I know. I know. What? What? These look nice."

What the fuck? Is she kidding me with this? It is as if she were having the conversation for my benefit. Well here's a tip: DON'T. If you want to talk to me, talk to me. If not, why don't you try using your 'inside voice'.

"What? What? These aren't for mommy now. Back in the day maybe." "what do you think of these. Huh? You like them? Do you? Come on what? Sparkly huh?" "I know. I know what you want. Hold on. Ok, but just wait. Here you go"

At this point she sits on the floor in the aisle and starts breast feeding. And the chit chat continued. Great. I'm out. I can't shop for shoes now. This is ridiculous. The stroller in the way, them in the way, and the constant fucking inane chatter!

"YOU ARE RUINING THE CLEARACE AISLE FOR ME!"

I didn't scream out loud. Only in my head.

Seriously, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the minimum age of someone to solicit fashion advice from is 5 years old.

I'm gonna hold firm on that.

The many virtues of the legging

I am a huge fan of the leggings comeback. I remember loving them back in college and pairing them with the most giant sweaters one has ever seen. Not my finest moment but at least I have a chance to redeem myself.

Leggings really give new life to the sundresses I feel awkward wearing with a bare leg. Sometimes you feel a little more veiny than usual or your knees feel fat or you have weird bruises all over or you didn't have time to shave. Leggings. That's the answer. They have the added benefit of making you feel a little like a dancer. And dancers are really fit so that's cool. Leggings are also cooler than jeans so you can wear a pants dress look even on the hottest of days. Additionally, and I'm not sure why this is but, you can wear a shorter skirt with leggings than you can without. There are some really cute skirts out there that are now possible. Fantastic. I mean truly, leggings are the new tan.

"let's face it. legginged fat is better than pasty white fat."

I hear lululemon has leggings that go great under clothes but also double as a workout pant. Actually, I have heard numerous times that lululemon pants are magical but I refuse to try them on until I can afford to be addicted to $95 workout pants because we all know that they are one try on away from becoming my newest obsession. Thank goodness Forever 21 has leggings for $5 and since I workout at home, I could wear them for that if I wanted to.
Some day lululemon. Some day.

Dear Diary,
Today I saw leggings
that looked like denim.
They even had pockets
painted on the butt. I
guess the effect is the
tightest “jeans” you
have ever owned but
you don’t have to lay on
the bed to zip them up.
I’m not sure how I feel
about that. I believe
tight jeans should
require a little work.

Who are you calling shallow?

Got into an argument/discussion today about the importance of style. If you buy into the idea that some people "don't care about fashion and how they look" because they care more about other things, you are naive.

You are your own canvas. Your style is a reflection of what is going on inside you.

The thing is we are all selling something different and as a result we all advertise differently. Those folks care just as much. They are making decisions about their style based on the image they want to project just like their counterparts. They are saying "I'm an artist" or "I'm not shallow" or "I'm so not pretentious" or "I'm too busy to care about how I look." And everyone has a personality that backs up their advertising. To say that so and so "doesn't think about what they put on and doesn't care because they are so into such and such" is ridiculous. They must have thought something when they bought those clothes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Clothes don't just happen to you, you are an active participant."

On the same note, caring about how you look doesn't equal being shallow or materialistic. Those are personality traits not style. To assume such is buying in to a stereotype.

I watched a homeless woman pick through some clothes I left by my dumpster. She didn't just take everything. She chose what she wanted.

I'm not going to lie. I was a little hurt by some of the items she discarded.

Oh the packing

I find traveling stressful. Once I am at my destination I'm fine. However, planning and actually getting there drives me nuts. First, I hate having to pick out outfits ahead of time. I never know how I'm going to feel so it is hard to limit my choices to suitcase size. I dream of traveling "light" but every time I try, I end up having nothing I need. I'm very envious of those people who can simply take a backpack for a two week trip. I have to face it, I am not low maintenance.

I want to have a great outfit for every person I'm seeing on my trip because I don't see them very often. I would hate for them to remember me in just jeans and a t-shirt and, god forbid, not even remember my shoe choice.

They say when you are nervous or anxious it is important to do something soothing, calming and therapeutic. The day before I left for my recent trip, I spent 5 hours at the mall. For me shopping is as good as doing yoga or meditating. It also makes me feel better to have a couple of new items for my trip. Well, it makes me feel better to have a couple of new things. Period.

Another element of stress is the fact that I need to go through every single thing I own as I pack while simultaneously cleaning and organizing my apartment. It is almost as if I need to inventory everything as a ritual to make sure I'm bringing the best of my wardrobe. Additionally, I can't leave if my stuff is in too much chaos. I have a thing about someone looking through my stuff if I am in a plane crash. I get to a point where I have to turn that thought off or I would never leave my apartment. Trying to keep my stuff in a "death ready" state is exhausting. I think the worst would be if the plane crashed ala Cast Away and everyone went through my stuff but then I came back. I don't think about them being happy that I am alive but rather the fact that they will look at me and think "wow you had a million wine foils in a drawer and your photos were woefully unorganized"

The good thing about going on a trip is that I always put together an outfit that I have never worn before or I bring something that I have bought on a daring impulse but haven't had the guts to wear yet. Wearing something different and new is exciting when you are away from home. That is always fun and completely worth the anxiety.

On the evolution of style, pt. deux

Somewhere in the middle of college I went through a "it's cool to look low maintenance" phase. Looking back this was the biggest blot on my reputation as a person of taste. Talk about dampening my style and softening all my edges. Ugh.

Here's the thing. I didn't want to seem into my looks. That kind of vanity was beneath a serious artist like myself. I was going for some kind of "natural, effortless" thing.

Of course, I really really worked hard at it. At some point I just stopped getting my hair cut and let it grow like a not really curly, not really straight weed. My clothing style incorporated a vacillation between androgynous and anything with a flower print. Most notably, everything I wore was baggy in a misguided attempt to look thin (as evidenced by the lovely people who insist on putting pictures of me on facebook, really, must you???).

I strategically applied makeup to look like I wasn't wearing any. I was way before my time with the "no makeup makeup" look. Yeah, I saved the big makeup guns for the stage where I over-applied like a champ.

The weird, depressive narcissist that I wasted my last semester on, broke up with me the day before my graduation. Nice. So in all of my pictures I look like a sad, chubby, mountain of blonde hair in a baggy, flower print dress.

I went back to my parents' house and cried for four days straight. When I finally looked in the mirror, I was horrified by what I had become. So far from my former, sparkling glory (and when I say sparkling, I do mean that literally. There were lots of sparkles).

The very next day I started doing step aerobics, got my hair cut off and bought clothes in a style I had never owned before (thank you Nordstrom Jrs). I kissed that boring sad sack goodbye and never looked back (again, the facebook thing, not helpful).

When my ex attempted a re-entry into my life, I stared at him through my brand new eyes that donned a color that practically screamed "I'm wearing makeup" and had the confidence to act like I barely remembered who he was.

There are no do overs. Only onward and upward.

With better hair and better style.

On the evolution of style (ok, my style)

I feel as though I haven't reached the pinnacle of my own personal style. Just like most therapists I've come from my own fucked up shit and now I think I have learned just enough to help others. However, I am still working on myself.

My goal is to bookend my life with great individual style.

My fashion sense was quite adventurous when I was a kid. From awareness until about 6th grade I was really creative with my clothing choices. Then all that insecure, "I want boys to like me, I should be more normal/skinny" stuff happened and created a big, fat grey area in my fashion history.

My favorite stuff pre-premature puberty (which really ruined everything) was any skirt or dress that was layered like a cake, anything that twirled, had sparkles, resembled a princess or someone from a bygone era. My idea of "vintage" was the pilgrim outfit and I wore it to school faithfully every year for Thanksgiving until it no longer fit and even then I think I wore the hat long after.

I sported cardboard wings with glitter (stolen from Kim's girl scout ceremony), party hats, bright green gauchos, wands, and blue courdory pants with lions' heads. I reached fashion nirvana when Kim started taking ice skating lessons. Those ice skating costume designers really know how to do it. I strongly felt they were more appropriate as street wear. I actually started taking lessons myself for the clothes. Imagine my extreme disappointment when in my first show we were fucking lightbulbs (horrible look) and in my second show we were stupid, ugly railroad workers. I was a girly girl. I did not appreciate masculine style at the time. I quit after that disaster and just waited for Kim to be done with the blue gingham, tulle number with the red sequin trim and shiny red butt bow.

Dreamy.

WTF on the skinny jeans thing?

Skinny jeans are a phenomenon that must go away and go away soon. I've been patient. I've tried to see their value in the fashion world. I've even waited to see if I would turn the corner and become a convert. Things I initially hate I sometimes end up loving. I admit it.

Not this time.

And now I am resentful of the large portion of the pants market they have taken up. They are everywhere. An otherwise cute pair of pants ruined by a hole so small you can barely get your foot through. A giant neon "look how big my thighs are" sign pointing upward from the ankle.

Skinny jeans must go.

I feel very alone in my quest to rid the world of skinny jeans. I've been to the mall. I've seen it over and over again. People are being led astray by this trend. They are being manufactured by the zillions. Every season I think "come on. everyone must have caught on by now" But no.

Skinny jeans are oddly incongruous. They don't make anyone look skinny. They are not flattering even on skinny people. And for those less fortunate than the perfectly thin, they give you an inverted cone shape that cannot be denied. Don't even try. Didn't we all learn this lesson from our 80's stint of rolling the bottom of our jeans tight to the ankle? It was a mistake. We are supposed to learn from, not repeat them.

I imagine that skinny jeans were invented so skinny girls could see what it feels like to have fat thighs and a big butt. The illusion is such that no matter how thin you are, these jeans make your butt look big. I hate to be harsh but the truth must be told. You don't have a big butt, but your pants are saying you do.

Pencil pants- great. Straight leg - fine. Sturrup pants - please help me, don't come back but at least you aren't skinny jeans.

This is, of course, only my opinion. However, I am not wrong.

To bubble skirt or not to bubble skirt...that is the question

A girl walked into the restaurant last night wearing a bright blue, mini bubble skirt with a tight black top and black heels. She was young and cute and on a date. However brave she might have been, there was no denying that she wasn't so much wearing the bubble as the bubble was wearing her. It was quite a head turning look, but sadly, for all the wrong reasons. One of the boys said to me:

"Now that is a faux pas, right? Or is that really a trend?"
"oh no, that is definitely a trend. One of the 80's comeback fashions."

For those of you that need a reminder see below.

I find it is key to remember that just because something is a trend, doesn't mean it is a trend for me.

It is useful advice really. Following a trend blindly can lead you down a precarious path.

Know thyself.

I (painfully) had to skip an entire year of shopping at H&M because everything was for the flat of chest. The cutest waif like clothes ever. I wanted to be that girl (and I do often shop for her) but my BFF, dressing room mirror, continually reminded me that, alas, I am not.

There are plenty of cute, fun fashions out there. Don't pick something you can't back up. If you can't fully envision and step into the persona of that trend then you won't be able to pull it off. People like your clothes because of HOW you wear them more than the clothes themselves.

Pushing your own style envelope is encouraged but requires an attitude that matches whatever you put on. Otherwise you are just giving the wrong message.

Timing is also important. I've pre-picked outfits for certain events and when it came time to put them on, I just wasn't in the right mindset. You have to be able to shift gears and wear what you are in the mood for. It makes a huge difference in how your night goes.

One last thing:
Use your friends. They are invaluable. I send pictures if I can't get in person feedback. If you think your friends won't give it to you straight or can't see beyond their own taste in order to give you solid advice, please contact me.

I'm here to help.
kristalally@gmail.com