It is better to have loved and lost...

So I've been in a long distance relationship with this couch for quite awhile now. The flirtation began when I got my Cb2 catalog in the mail last year which then lead me to the website. I guess I will have to admit that this started as an online relationship, of which I am not ashamed, anyone who is anyone uses modern technology to date. I really fell hard for the look of the piazza sofa. Really inviting, a handsome photo and an intriguing profile. Hmmm. Wait, I already have a couch. Moving on.

At the time the only Cb2 on the west coast was in San Francisco so it was safe to say that we'd just have to see how this long distance thing would work. I was sure it was doomed.

However, back in October, I had a freelance job that took me to San Francisco and the most exciting part of visiting there for the first time was the opportunity to see the Cb2 and the beautiful piazza sofa.

Yes, I'm aware there is other stuff but I am really focused people.

I found my way there the first day. Leigh Anne, one of my top shoppingmates, was with me. (She is an uberpractical girl who somehow manages to maintain a savings acount AND be really fashionable. It is admirable). We took a turn around the coveted Cb2 and all its super hip cuteness when there it was: The piazza sofa with its irresistable "come hither" cushiness. After all this time of online coquetry we were finally face to face.

Let me tell you, it did not disappoint. I am not kidding when I say this is the most comfortable couch I have had the pleasure to sit on. It is the kind of couch that you can fantasize doing everything with. I know it is against the "rules" but I could see our whole life together.

I had no intention of cheating on my couch but these things happen. I am really glad I wasn't alone or I would have bought it on the spot and had it shipped home creating an Agamemnon, Cassandra, Clytaemnestra type scene that would have been ugly. Not to mention a $1300 impulse buy would have been a record breaker. It took all my strength but I finally decided I was going to have to let it go.

We saw each other every day until I sadly took my leave. When I got home I couldn't stop thinking about the piazza. It was a wistful, bittersweet, Bridges of Madison County thing.

So imagine my surprise when I learned the piazza was coming to LA! I haven't seen it yet. I am so nervous that it will just be too painful. There is still so much that keeps us apart (like $1300.00 to be specific). I'm going to go eventually. It will be good for me. Maybe I'll find out it isn't everything I remember. Maybe. There is a bamboo bathmat that I am determined to purchase. It is like $20.00.

I know I'm settling you don't have to tell me.

Follow the link with caution, lest you get your heart broken.

http://www.cb2.com/family.aspx?c=102&f=4881

Ballgowns any day of the week. Make it so.

I was looking at this fabulous website, Rock 'n Roll Bride, that Heath passed along to me. The pictures are fantastic and have inspired me add to my lofty list: learn how to take pictures that have great contrast and amazing colors.

http://www.rocknrollbride.com/

I love themes. Weddings that have a theme are so fantastic. My wedding was gorgeous and lovely and fantastic and really did reflect us but I don't think I had a strong enough theme. Especially my hair (what was I thinking and why didn't I splurge on some fabulous hair pieces?)

Well since that ship has sailed for me I was thinking, instead of looking with envy at these pictures why don't I think of another way to use that energy.

So here's my thinking, why can't every day have a theme? I don't believe in having the same look all the time and I like to change it up but why not up the ante a little and really go for it? Why wait for special occasions?

I remember how liberating it felt when I decided I could eat off of my fancy dessert plates any time I felt like it. (What was I saving them for?)

Why am I waiting for special events to wear some of my cutest things? No mas! I'm going to visit one of my style icons, Jessie Rae Baker, this afternoon which will provide further inspiration and solidify my new focus. I can't wait to see what she is wearing.

This actually ties into a saving problem I have that is closely tied to the hoarding thing but I'll explore that with you later.

No time now.
I have to come up with a cute outfit for today.

totally doable

To Do:

• Wear a nose ring without getting my nose pierced
• Wear really fancy hats to not so fancy places
• Find that really flattering racerback tank that was on a customer at the restaurant
• Go on more field trips with the dogs
• Take more pictures
• Go to the star registry and name a star after someone to see if it really is a great gift
• Paint my walls an interesting color
• Paint my nails an interesting color
• Test the Pedipaws thingamajig to see if it could possibly work
• Wear more dresses
• Reorganize my craft and makeup corner
• Go visit the couch I'm stalking
• Read one of the 5 books I recently bought instead of just dusting them
• Figure out what I'm going to wear for date with Newshead

Wait, this place looks familiar...

So I've been sick, annoyed, overworked, not getting paid (literally my paychecks are bouncing), unable to shop, unable to sleep, and not working out. So I have been doing what I always do to make myself feel better/worse:

Eating crap.

And a lot of it.

Well hello rock bottom, fancy meeting you again after such a short time.

Rock bottom is an interesting place to visit over and over again. I've been to quite a few of the nine circles of RB.

Level three (from whence I am writing) is deceptive because it is somewhat comfortable. You can escape to fattening comfort food, tv, loose fitting clothes and a misguided justification that you deserve to wallow in this circle of inertia and what's the useness of it all. This is a place where an extra 7lbs is free upon entry and you can leave the heavy burden of ambition and aspiration at the door. It seems nice...for awhile.
And then it turns on you in a Hotel California way and you realize you have to check out or get your shit together and just leave.

I am good and sick of myself so it's bootstrap time (again). No more of this! Life is more fun when you are striving for unattainable thinness and reaching for those new summer sandals, endeavoring to be the girl who wears summer frocks, finding joy in the little things like trying to make the necklace you can't afford to buy and trying to figure out what your signature look of the season is going to be.

It takes a lot of oomph and mental determination to ascend from the inferno of rock bottom. However, barring physical illness or injury, it really is about FORCING the mental shift instead of waiting for it. They don't deliver "Ah Ha" moments to the nine circles, they deliver pizza.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm starting over. New focus on health and happiness.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The thing about being sick in this day and age (well really in the last couple of months) is that you can't get away from wondering, at least for a moment, if you might have the swine flu. It is an inevitable stream of consciousness.

I'm lying in bed absolutely sure it is just a sore throat and some kind of cold but what if it isn't? What if I actually am one of the few people that has it. I can't help but entertain the feeling that I would certainly be somewhat special and unique. That's crazy! Why would I want that? Actually according to Newshead I do want the swine flu because the strain right now isn't as bad as the one that will come in the fall. If that is the case that is certainly less dramatic and who wants that?

Naturally being sick leads to my getting a little depressed. Where did I get it? Why me? Why, oh why, wasn't I taking better care of myself. Why on earth didn't I get one of those fashionable swine flu masks? I guess I'll go eat some carbs. It seems fitting. The only thing that will make me feel better. Never mind all my years of research that tells me exactly the opposite. I want bread.

Well now I feel worse and I am shocked. I should go buy more of those mushrooms that I really believe are helping my skin and my overall health. I did get sick when I ran out of them. Well I don't want to waste those things when I'm feeling sick. They are expensive. I'll take them when I get better. So for now I'll just have some mac 'n cheese.

Still feeling crappy. I'm going to put on some aqua eyeshadow and deny my illness! Mind over matter.
Hmmm. Now I look a little like a corpse. Not good. Not at all what I was going for.

This sucks.
I wonder if a cupcake will help? Now, just hear me out. How much worse can I feel and if I have already sabotoged myself why not just eat one or two or five. I'm on this road why not just continue?

Well I feel worse believe it or not. I think I'm just going to curl up like a Little Debbie swiss cake roll and go to sleep for a really really long time.

My own tiny piece of Hell

So it is 11:56PM and there are plumbers in my house...still. They have been here since 9AM. This has been going on for four days. They are supposed to be done by 6PM but for the last two days, not so much. I work late so I typically get up late, I wander around drinking coffee doing the rounds on the facebook/twitter/blog/shopbob etc. before I workout and get ready for work.

I like to spend my day in my bedroom working on the computer while still in my pajamas because I CAN not because I have to.
It's great.

It changes everything when there are four strangers on the other side of the door pounding through the walls. It changes everything when you don't have any water. I have found that getting up at an ungodly hour of the morning to take my "last chance" shower and being forced to stay in the bedroom pretending that I'm totally awake and not still in my pajamas is...well the opposite of great.

You may not think so but it really is a bother to have to put on an outfit to go out to the kitchen to get a banana only to change back into my pajamas when I get back into the bedroom. It really takes the shine off a Target trip when it feels like I just need to go somewhere to pee and hang out for awhile. The biggest joy of shopping is intent. Intending to find a public bathroom isn't as fun as it sounds.

Bottom line, this whole re-piping the apartment thing has reenforced how NOT suited I am for prison...
or camping.

Hansel and Gretel

People think it is weird that I don't want to have kids. Do you know what I think is weird? That people assume because I don't want babies that I hate them.

I've never had that "thing." That 'I want a baby' clock thing. The thought of having a baby makes me a little ill to be honest. And never ever being able to get away from being a mother (or even setting it a side for a minute) makes me want to jump off a cliff. Not to mention the getting fat part. I already have problems.

When I was younger every guy I dated loved to tell me "you'll change your mind." Let me tell you, being ignored and dismissed is a HUGE turn on.

I saw a video of a pygmy slow loris on the internet http://www.dogwork.com/superadorable/ and I researched for hours the possibility of getting one of my own (sadly, not possible).

Never had that reaction with a baby. EVER.

So I'm pretty sure I don't want one.

People also love to say "you think that now but that all changes once you have them." Yeah, like I'm going to test that theory.

It really really bothers people when you say you don't want kids. I don't really get it. Why do they care?

People even go so far as to say "but you'd be so good at it." Now, I'm really not sure where they are getting that but they say it with such certainty it is as if they know me better than I know myself. Talk about weird. I would assume that not wanting them would be the basic indicator for NOT "being good at it" but what do I know.

I can't imagine having another little person to buy things for. I don't just like shopping for myself, I like shopping for anyone. It would really be a problem if I had a kid that grew out of everything in a minute and a half and I had an excuse to keep buying new, cute stuff. The whole thing would be disastrous. I have enough trouble controlling my urge to spend on the pugs (they currently have matching green, sequin bow ties that I couldn't resist). And let's face it. I have been on spending lockdown for a mere month and I'm full of anger and resentment, imagine if it was a lifetime of that. Grrrr. I'm not really interested in giving up all my time and energy and money. I have enough to worry about. Thanks but no thanks. It really just isn't my look.

All that being said,
I don't HATE babies outright. Honestly, I'm just not that impressed by them. I'm actually very good with babies and babies like me. I just don't automatically love them or get all gooey over them and I DON'T want one of my own. And for the record, I adore my nephew but not blindly. Seriously, he is is really clean, handsome, well dressed and well behaved. If he wasn't I'd still pretend to like him but it wouldn't be the same. I find it most fascinating that in order for people to reconcile my lack of baby goosh in their mind, they have to think I hate babies or I'm just a hateful person. I mean, why else would I NOT want them.