Friday, September 4, 2009

The more things change, the more they just really don't change

I'm revisiting the idea that we create the patterns in our lives. I feel like I have gone through immense changes and yet, as I read excerpts from my seventh grade journal I am realizing that I am EXACTLY the same person. I have not evolved one bit. Nary an iota. I'm obsessing over my hair and my clothes, my weight and the fact that I heart some guy named Frank. I'm pretending that I hate everything (when I know, in fact, that I didn't). I mean it is ridiculous. Change the guys name to Newshead and I'm practically living my seventh grade life right now.

Earlier today I grabbed one of my many notebooks so I could write out some of my annoyance with myself at not being able to keep a jar of honey in the house for more than a week and my firm decision to go clean and lean starting tomorrow. In this notebook I found four days of "journaling" from 2002.

"Crabby, unmotivated, puffy, bloated, fat, fatigued, fucked up sleep, PMS. I feel I'm so close to breaking the barrier and then I go into a slump. I have to dig deep to find the magic feeling called confidence and strength. I really miss Ned. Glad I'm going home next week.
Things I can't have in the house:
Peanut Butter
Honey
Whole Wheat Crackers
Oreos
Ate almost a whole jar of honey today. What made me think I could have it? Duh.
Ok, I'm going to bed and I'm going to get up and try not to eat and hate myself some more. It will pass. This too shall pass..."

Seriously? And what's with the dramatics?

Well that is it. The jury is in. I am the common denominator. Time to take some responsibility. I am using this stuff as my identity. It is like a comfy blanket that I wrap myself in. When am I going to grow up and get over this stuff? Right now. That's when.

Actually, on second thought, why would I do that? If I actually achieved some level of self acceptance, what in the world would I talk about?

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