Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The sole that sunk a thousand ships full of shoes

I may have said this before. It is hard to keep track and let's face it, I've admitted to having recurring/repeat thoughts.

I don't understand people who "don't like" to shop. I'm married to one and I still can't get over how weird it is. Newshead's idea of shopping is going in, getting exactly what you were looking for and walking out. Bizarre.

I bring things home for him because if I had to wait for him to go shopping for clothes, he would look like a homeless person after awhile. If you are having any doubts, this is a person who says "but I have a pair of brown shoes" and until they fall off his feet he doesn't see the need for another pair. First of all, just because they are brown doesn't mean they are the same. Secondly, I don't believe in a universal, uber shoe. Doesn't exist. Shoes have a great deal of personality and they have quite a bit to say. They can change a blah outfit into something special. The right shoes have the power to elevate your entire look. It is all about the details and shoes are a very important detail, please don't neglect them.

Not only does Newshead dislike shopping, he is actually suspicious of stores. Buying him things is like navigating a land mine, one wrong move and that's it. I finally got him to wear a new pair of brown shoes to work and an hour later he emailed me to say that the sole was coming off. Then he said we better return all the shoes because the store was obviously trying to sell us crap. One pair of faulty shoes on a clearance rack and the entire industry just crumbled. It is lunacy and I'm not quite sure how to combat such faulty logic. Talk about throwing out the baby with the bathwater. It is enough to drive a style therapist to madness.

There are a lot of people out there like Newshead.

I have got my work cut out for me.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

words words words

I've decided I use the word "awesome" too much. Some words from my youth I have given up. For example, the overuse of the word "like" and "dude." I read an old letter of mine that had so many "likes" in it I wanted to punch myself in the face. For some reason I can't find an acceptable replacement for the word "awesome". I'm not sure if I'm using it a lot more lately or what, but I've noticed myself saying it quite a bit and it is starting to grate on my nerves.

I can't decide if I sound like an old person trying to sound young or just an old person because young people don't really use that word any longer. And btw, I'm using the word "old" in the sense that I am not a teenager.

I better find an awesome equivalent soon or I'm like totally going to hurl.

Photoshop is Awesome when they make you a flawless version of yourself. Not so much when they make you look like someone else entirely.

I've been seeing this Louis Vuitton ad in every magazine and I've only just now figured out that it isn't Keira Knightly.
It is Madonna.

This picture looks like Madonna and I am mad for that outfit.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Marketing people must love me to death

So I am a HUGE fan of Project Runway as I have stated. Tonight I stumbled upon an infomercial for Heidi Klum's product "In an Instant." It apparently softens your wrinkles ummm instantly. I watched it for only about 5 min and they weren't telling me where I can get it and how many billions of dollars it is going to be. So I went online to check it out. It is $39.99 (why is it always something .99?)

Anyway, I caught myself mid purchase and realized I didn't really know what I was doing. All I know is I have wrinkles, I love Heidi Klum and she is telling me it works and I believe her. How long has Heidi been moonlighting like this?

Now I'm confused. I still really want it but I feel I owe it to myself and my pocketbook to pause a moment and really look into this product instead of thinking "if I hate it, I can get my money back." I LOVE trying new things. As I have also stated, I love believing in magic. I am not gullible, I'm full of hope. HUGE difference and to prove my point, tomorrow I will tell you about something I'm not getting sucked into.

So I am going to wait a few days and see if I'm still thinking about it. Or maybe I'll get it when the brand new wrinkle helper I just bought runs out.

This is my new thing. I pause. Most of the time I end up getting whatever it is but sometimes I don't.

For me that is progress.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I accidentially came across this on the "Yahoo Answers" website

Question: Are you gonna watch Cougar Town starring Courteney Cox next week?
are u gonna watch it? do u think it will do good?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

Yes, I do plan on watching it. I love Courtney Cox and I think the show looks like it'll be good : )
Asker's Rating:
5 out of 5
Asker's Comment:
Seriously? These are the questions people are asking the internet at large?
I am beyond bewildered.

I can't help but be insanely curious about what was going on just before the "Asker" turned to the internet to have a lame conversation. And of course I would LOVE to know WhyTF the "best answer" person felt compelled to answer.

It doesn't get better than this

This never fails to make me laugh.

Because I believe in magical things like unicorns named Tom Cruise and my legs getting longer as soon as I reach my goal weight.

Life is good.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

If you had any doubt, I've always been this way

(you can click on the image and enlarge my humiliation for easier viewing)

This is an actual page of my "food diary" from Jr. High. Typical of me I only have this one page but this one page really speaks volumes.

I distinctly remember my inner monologue going something like this:
"It is so unfair. Why aren't I skinny like Denise Goodwin? I try so hard. I'd do anything to not be so fat."


Looking at the above food journal, I would have to agree, the reason I was overweight is still a complete mystery.

If anyone is wondering what a crispito is, it is a fried meat and cheese Mexican type food. Please note, I only ate 1/2. I was really watching it.

And if you think you can't read the last line, it does, in fact, say 1/2 mayonnaise sandwich (again, cutting back) and 4 oreo cookies (not the whole bag? Good work).

My continual weight gain was still a mystery in college.
"What is going on? I eat salad every day and I cannot lose a pound. I am so frustrated by how unfair this is!"

Ummmm that "salad" was a BREAD BOWL of iceberg lettuce with ranch dressing and whole wheat crackers crushed in it. Dessert was two boxes of granola cereal with milk ("it's granola! It's like natural and good for you").

I have since grown up. I realize now that my weight gain isn't happening to me, it is happening because of me.

My inner monologue sounds more like this now:

"Ugh this is so unfair. I just want to be really skinny and I don't want to have to do anything to achieve it."

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Fluffy white horror between two delicious chocolate cookies

Newshead brought home oreos aka kryptonite. It's like he hates me. He actually ate the middle out of one and PUT IT BACK! Who does that? I shamed him but what is really scary is that if it were the last one, I probably would have eaten it. I'm that disgusting.

I actually think I'm allergic to sugar/corn syrup/crappy food. I've noticed a blinding headache come on everytime I slip up.

This could be good. Pavlov good.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Making a statement...with some lipstick

I watched Top Gun last night and I have to say that Kelly McGillis knows how to work some red lipstick. It wasn't always the greatest shade of red either but she totally committed to the look and I gotta tell ya, I pulled out my brightest lipstick today. Finally the chapped horror is gone and I can actually embrace a bold lip at long last. Sometimes you have to look back to look forward. That sounded profound in my head.

My friend Kristina always loved bright red lips and I was always in admiration of that look. She could work it even if she didn't have a stitch of makeup on otherwise. How could I have forgotten it? I guess the smokey eye with the nude lip has had a stronghold for awhile. Time to change it up.

Bright red lips are definitely a statement look and you have to back it up with some attitude. It will inherently give you strength. You'll even walk a little differently. You might even catch yourself giving a sassy wink here and there.

Bright red lipstick girl is super fun.
Time for an outing.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Fashionable, wearable decoupage : who could ask for anything more?

I just watched Project Runway again and it combined my two favorite things: fashion and paper. They had to make clothes out of newspaper. It was fantastic. I wanted three of the outfits for myself. You were right people. I love this show. The drama and in fighting are ridiculous and uncomfortable to watch but the creations are amazing.

Of course I'm thinking I need to make something out of newspaper to wear tomorrow.

Peace and jewelry are connected

Today I made a hemp bracelet (clearly I am still feeling nostalgic for peacefest). I bought wooden beads that reminded me of the hare krishna beads I have, hemp bracelets and now I have a strong desire to get some embroidery floss and make a hair wrap for myself. I used to be so good at it. I made an amazing hair wrap in my day.

I am very good with knots.

I wonder where this is going.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

That is because Mercury is retrograde

I was aware that Mercury was going to be retrograde this month because I faithfully read my horoscope. I'm not going to lie, I have been cautious about leaving the house. I mean it isn't like I let the planets rule my life but this M retrograde sounded particularly bad.

I love being aware of the forces going on around me and having an explanation for all the things that are getting fucked up. My computer stopped working for no apparent reason, I witnessed a motorcycle crashing into a minivan, and Newshead and I have had a number of miscommunications (bickerings) this month just to name a few examples. Normally these things would drive me over the edge. However, knowing it is M retro really makes it all better. I can let it go. There is no "why oh why is this happening?" frustration that can spin you into madness. It is just Mercury doing its thing. No big. It is a planetary scapegoat and it is the greatest.

My favorite part about Mercury being retrograde is saying it every time something happens. I think everyone around me loves it too. I'm mostly doing it to be obnoxious. The saying it out loud part. That there are so many opportunities to say it is a fact that is not lost on me. I am a true believer. There is a lot of pushing and pulling out there in the universe. There is no way we can be completely unaffected by it.

There are a lot of unexplained feelings that occur and emotions that seem disproportionate to the current situation and maybe even some crying and some yelling. Some fatigue, doubt, anxiety, overeating, hurt feelings, maybe even a splash of delusion or paranoia. Simply knowing that something out there may be contributing to it gives you a little anchor of sanity to hang onto. If you don't make too much out of it and you just hang tight, it will all right itself. Explaining the seemingly unexplainable. That is why I love Mercury retrograde.

It is like cosmic PMS.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

One day you are in and the next day you are out

I am not a fan of reality television. I don't really like competitive things. I always feel really bad for the person (or team) that tries really hard but loses.

I've been told that I would love Project Runway so I gave it a try this season and I have to say I'm in. I admire people who can sew. It is an amazing skill. And that people can dream something up, create a design and then bring it into reality is thrilling. I hate that people get kicked off the show, however. It seems unfair. Now I realize that if you somehow manage to make a model look bad then you probably deserve to get booted. It isn't like you have some big thighs and short legs to dress, it's a model for god's sake. Yet, I still don't like that "they're out." I mean, they actually created something and that should count. How do we know that they aren't going to come up with something brilliant the next time around. I'm not really sure how to do it so that there are winners but really no losers. I'm pretty sure that doesn't make for "good television" though. Most people I talk to seem to love watching people get kicked off. Not me. I'm not sure what that's about.

I'll keep watching because I do like to see creative minds at work.

And Heidi Klum's outfits are fantastic.

If at first you don't succeed try something else

I'm trying (again) to not eat sugar or junk. So tonight I ate an entire bag of brown rice with olive oil on it. Just because it isn't sugar doesn't mean there aren't a bazillion calories in it. I'm aware of the fact that too much of a "good" thing is still too much. I felt so gross that I ate a cookie.


Friday, September 18, 2009

If I could bottle it and sell it, I might make millions

I bought a vintage dress. It is kind of a weird 70's ish thing that is a great orange color with teal buttons. It is really too tight but I can still make it work and in 10lbs it will be even cuter. I'm not really a vintage fan. I don't mean in terms of style. I love anything that looks like it is from another era, I just don't like it to actually be from that era. This dress was so cute that I thought I could break myself of my actual vintage phobia but I simply can't get past the smell. Every thrifty/vintage store has it. I tried washing the dress but not only did it not help even a little, it actually made everything else smell like it. Now I think my whole closet is going to smell like a store with 70 year old group body odors mixed with moth balls and attic.

I so want to be a cool vintage thrift girl. It isn't that I'm snobby. I swear. It is that I have an overly acute olfaction. And I'm not even saying it is a bad smell. It is just a distinct smell and I can't abide it.

I think I can do vintage hats because I may not be able to smell what is on my head. However, that may be even worse now that I think about it.

I have no trouble wearing costumes so it can't be that I don't want to wear used clothes. In theatre that kind of comes with the territory (I do always request pit pads but that isn't a big deal, is it?) I think that smell is more contained to the theatre and is therefore more acceptable to me. I've worn things that have been sprayed with vodka and water in lieu of cleaning so that proves something about me not being a total germaphobe.

I don't know what it is but I better take some vodka and water to this thing pretty quickly because I already have the boots I'm going to wear with it all picked out.

Grrrr stinky frock.

If you were wondering

The cure for severely chapped, possibly allergic to something, possibly sunburned lips?

Pure Tea Tree Oil and a coating of pure vitamin E oil.


Lipgloss, I am back.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My eyes eat purple and other nonsense

For anyone who is interested,

I love my new violet eyeshadow but I will say, purple is not a color that fades well (or evenly) over the course of a long day.

One of my eyes faded a lot more than the other making the difference between a punch in the face and a fun make-up choice barely discernible.

Something about that just made me think of the years I would go to Peace Fest with Sandi. It was a good cause/message and I was into peace and vegetarianism at the time. I wasn't eating any meat or fish. Only junk. I was very serious. I guess I'm still into Peace. However, I am eating fish now, but it isn't like I like it.

It is pure vanity.

Dr. Perricone said it would improve my skin (wrinkles), and it has.
I'm a horrible person.

Something about that makes me think about Peace Fest again and I'm suddenly nostalgic about hemp and wooden jewelry and tie dye.

Uh oh.

I'm all mixed up

So today I was making bracelets and I've decided the word of the season is "mixed." That is correct. Mixed media, mixed texture, mixed material, mixed style, mixed genre.

For example:
Tough and Girlie
Masculine and Feminine
Ugly/ Pretty
So ugly it's pretty with it's just ugly
casual with dressy
something old something new, something plain and something completely garish
Hippie crossed with polished
Vintage with a modern twist

There are tons. Life is too short to be just one thing. Mix it up people. This isn't just for ladies either. Boys can mix. Fashion invention is fun for everyone.

If you need help or more ideas, call me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Back to school really has nothing to do with school

I've always loved fall. Back to School is my favorite time of year and my favorite fashion season. Now, I haven't been back to school of several years (decades) but that doesn't change my desire for all new back to school clothes or at the very least a retooling of my current wardrobe. Fall signals a great chance to reinvent yourself. You can leave behind "summer you" and take on a whole new persona. Boots, tights, blazers, cardigans, tweed, trousers, and my favorite look of all time: layers and a scarf. There is nothing better.

Another great thing about fall is the ability to make up for any style regrets that you had over the summer. I really wanted to make dresses a huge part of my wardrobe. That didn't really happen. However, I can carry this goal over into fall. Add some leggings/tights and boots and I can kiss regret goodbye. It is really a wasted emotion anyway. Plus there is always next summer to revisit the summer frock idea.

I never think of Fall as an end but rather a beginning. Perhaps it is the new school year that is so ingrained. I believe there is a definite connection between "following your bliss" (thank you Joseph Campbell) and style. How you adorn your outside is a reflection of how much you love your inside. I cannot emphasize this enough. No one dictates the specifics except you. The result is individual and does not require specific labels or an enormous expenditure. You simply have to find what speaks to you. Having a vision for yourself is important. If you visualize success, serenity and abundance for your life, you are going to have to have an outfit to match.

The hardest part about this time of year is that the actual weather doesn't match the clothes. September signals an automatic shift in fashion consciousness and yet blazing hot, 100 degree weather makes it impractical to actually wear your favorite back to school looks.

It is the in betweens that make for the hardest style choices. As always, I welcome a challenge.

A life hijacked by "cute idea"

I spent almost all of last week trying to be Martha Stewart and let me tell you, it isn't easy. Not to mention how incredibly time consuming it is. I always assumed that being crafty and creative was less expensive than buying shit outright, and it was a quicker more efficient way to throw a party. I was very much mistaken.

First you have to decide a theme for your event and then you have to figure out how much detail you will add to fit the theme. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes this requires looking for inspiration from other crafty Martha types if you don't happen to have a bunch of brilliant out of the box ideas at the ready. This can suck you into the vortex of the internet for untold hours.

Then you have to purchase all of your materials to bring these ideas into reality. This is not necessarily less expensive than buying something that a machine made but it is "personal." And then, of course, you have to physically construct said ideas using your own brain and hands.

I'm really good at looking for inspiration and exceptionally good at purchasing items that will someday be perfect for all of my ideas. I suck at narrowing down my ideas and actually doing them. I'm a procrastinator and I rarely leave myself enough time for the actual assemblage.

When I wait tables I pride myself on my ability to multitask. I am a super quick thinker and my efficiency is off the charts.

Not so much when I am creating a crafting masterpiece. I can't seem to do anything else but my craft project. I wish I could say I don't even stop to eat but I would just be lying. I also create a giant pile of chaotic mess that lasts for days. My final product is usually "ok" to "pretty good" but the road there is full of many re-do's and re-buying of things I have ruined making the end result a bit of a mixed bag.

This will not stop me however. I will continue to convince myself that I can make and do anything and my love of paper and glue cannot be squelched.

If I were ever to try and sell my stuff the price would have to be exorbitant in order to cover the labor and materials. I would never make a profit. But art isn't necessarily about profit now is it?

Please don't misunderstand. I do not in anyway feel like a failure. On the contrary. I don't believe in failure. I believe in perspective shifts.

I am not Martha Stewart.

I am a virtuoso "slop artist"
and I'm pretty cool with that.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I know it sounds gross but it is really quite pretty.

For anyone still counting, I haven't given up my dream of purple and blue eyeshadows. I realize most hues oxidize on my lids and make me look kind of tired and corpse-like but there are thousands of different shades and I'm certain I will be able to wear one of them. I've been told that perhaps I should stick with violets instead of eggplant so I went and got that (Mac Creme de Violet) and I also found a dark purple/reddish color if you can imagine. Stila Pigalle. Sephora online describes it as a "deep shimmering wine." Here is a picture of it but you should really see it in person to get the effect. It looks much lighter here:
So, I put both on my lids and I have to say I love it. The effect is kind of bruise-like but a really pretty bruise. Ummm let's see, more like a fresh bruise as if someone just clocked you super hard. Deep purple red.

Who would have thought?
The really important lesson here is sometimes you just have to keep experimenting because you never know what you will end up loving.

Monday, September 7, 2009

In a land far far away but really very close and not far at all

I just had one of those moments where you catch a glimpse of yourself in an alternate universe or played the "what could have been" game.

I just watched that show, Hoarders, and I'm pretty sure somewhere in another dimension, behind the seventh veil or in dejavuville, I am on that show. People are watching me in horror and my family is giving sad and frustrated testimonials. Actually, probably only my mom would do it. Everyone else would decline to be on camera.

I must admit I feel a little itchy after watching the show. I'm pretty sure I can't watch it again because my COMPLETE understanding of the hoarders attachment to their things and their anthropomorphizing of their stuff made Newshead nervous. I could relate to the rationalization for keeping each item: "Oh that's a gift. That's a journal. That goes over here with the other 250 blank journals. Those are crosswords that I'm going to do."

Seriously, all the plans and good intentions for each item was eerily familiar. I was not the least bit surprised by their ability to recognize every little thing that was held before them, that in all that stuff (piles and piles of it) they never once said "I don't know what that is or where it came from." There is a story and a thought about everything, so of course it is hard to get rid of anything. I totally get it.

I usually am an advocate of the "who cares what people think" school of thought. This is one time where I think it helps. But I guess in fairness you have to not be crazy to know that it is kind of crazy.

I'm constantly looking around my apartment and picturing the person who has to go through my stuff if Newshead & I suddenly die. Why I would care, I don't know, but I do.
My goal is to keep the WTF moments to a minimum.

Right now I've organized all the unorganizable stuff into a "craft" section. I know they are a million little jars of madness but to the unknowing eye, I'm a crafter. That's nicer for my sister and/or brother to have to clean up. You are welcome.

Here's the thing. Hoarders wouldn't have to give up their stuff if it were better displayed. Stores have tons of shit and people love going there. Dare I say that once again it comes down to style?

And mental illness.
But also style.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I was wondering

Does anyone else think neosporin is freak juice that makes you heal as fast as a vampire?
Cuz I do.

I'm not even kidding.

I love this stuff.

If it made you lose 10lbs, It would be the answer to all my dreams.

Please neosporin, please.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

What are you going as?

So I went to an event the other night where I knew I wasn't going to know anyone except the person who brought me. I always get nervous about making the small talk with a bunch of strangers. I decided this time when people asked me "what do you do?" I was going to say:

"I'm a rock star."

My plan was to play it like I could be speaking in the figurative or the literal sense. That would be the most fun. I figured they would either laugh at me or assume they just didn't recognize me and let it go and then we would talk about the fires in California for a little while.

I was really satisfied with myself. If anyone was really curious I would just ramble on until I said "I'm not an actual rock star" and then we would have wasted lots of small talk time getting to that point. I was actually looking forward to going so I could play this out.

Do actual rock stars say they are rock stars? Or do they say "I'm a musician" or "I'm in a band."
I cared not. I was going to be a rock star.

Well wouldn't you know it. Not ONE person asked me what I did.


Friday, September 4, 2009

The more things change, the more they just really don't change

I'm revisiting the idea that we create the patterns in our lives. I feel like I have gone through immense changes and yet, as I read excerpts from my seventh grade journal I am realizing that I am EXACTLY the same person. I have not evolved one bit. Nary an iota. I'm obsessing over my hair and my clothes, my weight and the fact that I heart some guy named Frank. I'm pretending that I hate everything (when I know, in fact, that I didn't). I mean it is ridiculous. Change the guys name to Newshead and I'm practically living my seventh grade life right now.

Earlier today I grabbed one of my many notebooks so I could write out some of my annoyance with myself at not being able to keep a jar of honey in the house for more than a week and my firm decision to go clean and lean starting tomorrow. In this notebook I found four days of "journaling" from 2002.

"Crabby, unmotivated, puffy, bloated, fat, fatigued, fucked up sleep, PMS. I feel I'm so close to breaking the barrier and then I go into a slump. I have to dig deep to find the magic feeling called confidence and strength. I really miss Ned. Glad I'm going home next week.
Things I can't have in the house:
Peanut Butter
Whole Wheat Crackers
Ate almost a whole jar of honey today. What made me think I could have it? Duh.
Ok, I'm going to bed and I'm going to get up and try not to eat and hate myself some more. It will pass. This too shall pass..."

Seriously? And what's with the dramatics?

Well that is it. The jury is in. I am the common denominator. Time to take some responsibility. I am using this stuff as my identity. It is like a comfy blanket that I wrap myself in. When am I going to grow up and get over this stuff? Right now. That's when.

Actually, on second thought, why would I do that? If I actually achieved some level of self acceptance, what in the world would I talk about?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Shades of Grey, worlds of difference

Does anyone else agonize between two colors of eyeshadow that really, if you took them into separate rooms, you would think were the same color? And if you really thought about it, if you bought either one, you'd take it home and realize you have 10 other VERY similar shades?

Just me?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Ok fine, fer sure fer sure, gag me and all that

I will admit I am a little concerned about this "return to the 80's" trend that has been happening and will continue through the fall.

Who ever saw that coming? I thought there was a universal agreement that it should never happen again.

While I remember the fashion was fun back then I am also alarmingly aware that it wasn't very flattering. There is a chance that my trepidation could be linked to the undeniable psychological link between fashion and emotion. 80's fashion trends may cause me to relive a whole bunch of teenage angst and insecurity that I would much rather leave behind. Perhaps I will rent Valley Girl to put me in the right emotional space for this trend. Freakin' love that movie.

And as I have always advocated trends are for picking and choosing so I will most likely pick the items that serve me well (colorful eye shadow, leggings and skirts, socks with mary janes and pumps) and leave behind the shoulder pads, stirrup pants and high-waisted jeans (my legs should never have been associated with them).

I was inspired by an eyeshadow palate the other day that I am going to go and try right now. Orange sparkly eyeshadow and purple liner.

I'm feeling better already.