Monday, June 29, 2009

Artist seeking Benefactor

Where are the wealthy patrons of yore? Those rich mofos who, for whatever weird reason, would support artists of less fortunate means. I'm really in the market for one of those right about now. That was such a great system. Where the hell did it go?

I suppose my family is thinking "Isn't that what you'd freaking call us?" But no. That is different.

It just is.

For one, they aren't fabulously wealthy. They are hard working people and their giving is a sacrifice. Out of the kindness of their hearts they make sure I'm not eating cat food and dancing on Venice beach wearing a tattered purple dress that is so short it shows my old bikini bottom layered over giant, dirty underwear.

I'm talking about a truly wealthy person who gives money to an artist because it makes them look cultured and cool and better than other rich people.

I'm sure it has it's drawbacks: power plays, struggles for creative control, weird payback demands.

It still sounds better than what I've got now.

PLUS I'm hugely qualified to receive money for just being me.
For any potential benefactors reading this, you should know I'm not only good at spending my own money, I'm excellent at helping other people spend theirs. I'm not exaggerating when I say
I have elevated it to an art form.

The first thing I would do is have my patron buy the piazza sofa. I believe it is essential for my work. Then I would sit around all day thinking about stuff because that is what I do. I would buy interesting outfits and come up with more style challenges for myself. Yes, that is art! I am my own canvas. I would be eccentric and sparkley and I would really earn my position as the foremost advisor in how my patron's style budget should be spent.

Ok, admittedly this whole thing sounds like the jobs I used to create for myself when I was 10. What I wanted "to be" when I "grew up" always had a huge fairytale quality about it. This was also about the same time I actually thought I could BE a cartoon. Still a lifelong dream oddly enough.

It is interesting to note that when you type "benefactor" into google, this is the first thing that pops up: Find Rich Benefactors or Mentors to Pamper you? 100% Free for Girls.

Please. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy.

I am an ARTIST. I have standards.
serious inquiries only!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Did someone say yo yo? I love that game!

If anyone is looking to gain a quick 7lbs, I think I've finally zeroed in on the exact formula. My proprietary blend of inactivity and crappy food consumption is practically foolproof. You too can enjoy the benefits of rapid weight gain, bloat and energy depletion! Your free trial (plus the cost of shipping) awaits. Act now! Hurry! Time is running out! Summer is almost here!


Sweet dreams my little fatty.

Friday, June 26, 2009

WTF on the skinny jeans thing?

Skinny jeans are a phenomenon that must go away and go away soon. I've been patient. I've tried to see their value in the fashion world. I've even waited to see if I would turn the corner and become a convert. Things I initially hate I sometimes end up loving. I admit it.

Not this time.

And now I am resentful of the large portion of the pants market they have taken up. They are everywhere. An otherwise cute pair of pants ruined by a hole so small you can barely get your foot through. A giant neon "look how big my thighs are" sign pointing upward from the ankle.

Skinny jeans must go.

I feel very alone in my quest to rid the world of skinny jeans. I've been to the mall. I've seen it over and over again. People are being led astray by this trend. They are being manufactured by the zillions. Every season I think "come on. everyone must have caught on by now" But no.

Skinny jeans are oddly incongruous. They don't make anyone look skinny. They are not flattering even on skinny people. And for those less fortunate than the perfectly thin, they give you an inverted cone shape that cannot be denied. Don't even try. Didn't we all learn this lesson from our 80's stint of rolling the bottom of our jeans tight to the ankle? It was a mistake. We are supposed to learn from, not repeat them.

I imagine that skinny jeans were invented so skinny girls could see what it feels like to have fat thighs and a big butt. The illusion is such that no matter how thin you are, these jeans make your butt look big. I hate to be harsh but the truth must be told. You don't have a big butt, but your pants are saying you do.

Pencil pants- great. Straight leg - fine. Sturrup pants - please help me, don't come back but at least you aren't skinny jeans.

This is, of course, only my opinion. However, I am not wrong.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

To bubble skirt or not to bubble skirt...that is the question

A girl walked into the restaurant last night wearing a bright blue, mini bubble skirt with a tight black top and black heels. She was young and cute and on a date. However brave she might have been, there was no denying that she wasn't so much wearing the bubble as the bubble was wearing her. It was quite a head turning look, but sadly, for all the wrong reasons. One of the boys said to me:

"Now that is a faux pas, right? Or is that really a trend?"
"oh no, that is definitely a trend. One of the 80's comeback fashions."

For those of you that need a reminder see below.

I find it is key to remember that just because something is a trend, doesn't mean it is a trend for me.

It is useful advice really. Following a trend blindly can lead you down a precarious path.

Know thyself.

I (painfully) had to skip an entire year of shopping at H&M because everything was for the flat of chest. The cutest waif like clothes ever. I wanted to be that girl (and I do often shop for her) but my BFF, dressing room mirror, continually reminded me that, alas, I am not.

There are plenty of cute, fun fashions out there. Don't pick something you can't back up. If you can't fully envision and step into the persona of that trend then you won't be able to pull it off. People like your clothes because of HOW you wear them more than the clothes themselves.

Pushing your own style envelope is encouraged but requires an attitude that matches whatever you put on. Otherwise you are just giving the wrong message.

Timing is also important. I've pre-picked outfits for certain events and when it came time to put them on, I just wasn't in the right mindset. You have to be able to shift gears and wear what you are in the mood for. It makes a huge difference in how your night goes.

One last thing:
Use your friends. They are invaluable. I send pictures if I can't get in person feedback. If you think your friends won't give it to you straight or can't see beyond their own taste in order to give you solid advice, please contact me.

I'm here to help.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

There's More...

I've always been intrigued by the "smokey eye." It is fabulous. Here is a good example.

I personally can't really get it to work on my eye. Pretty sure it is my eye shape. However, I continually make an attempt to see if things have changed. I mostly end up reminding myself of looking more like a burnout in 8th grade but whatever, I don't give up easily.

Wore it to work and honestly no one really noticed, but I have kept myself entertained and even challenged if you will. I'm really of the "try try again" school of thought. Used camerabag's magazine filter. Love camerabag and still love "smokey eye" on other people.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Krista's summer vacation pt. 2

With the internet still out I had some extra time to stare at the wall and pick a blue.

I saw "velvet morning" on the Apartment Therapy blog. They really have an inspiring site. However the picture on my computer screen didn't really match the paint chip in the store. It is still a beautiful color but I had the computer screen blue stuck in my head so I tried to find a blue to match it.

The winner: Embellished Blue from Behr.

I picked embellished blue because it seemed happy and fun. However, the lady at the Home Depot was neither. She was really abrupt and snotty. I had some questions that I wanted to ask but she didn't really seem open to the idea. I really wanted to say "you know paint lady, I'm about to go home and fuck up my walls so I would appreciate a little support here."

But I didn't. She really didn't seem to want to use her powers for good that day.

Tommy convinced me that I needed to roll the paint instead of my original idea of using a tiny brush to do the whole thing. Here is a free tip from Tommy (fireman/parametic and professional painter on the side): Don't buy a cheap roller. You can go cheap on the handle and the pan, but buy at least a 50/50 blend on the roller. I can't remember the exact materials that make up that split but I do remember that one of those 50% needs to be lamb's wool.

Raul in the Home Depot parking lot asked if I needed help painting. I declined because I'm really trying to be a do it yourselfer. However, after the paint lady, I really appreciated the back up so I took his number. He said he is a handyman and let's face it, there are some things that I can't do myself. Usually I just live with whatever it is I can't do, but now that I have Raul that may change.

Newshead is pretty handy but he can be quite the naysayer when it comes to hanging things on the walls. He says our walls can't handle it. I've believed him for years but I'm starting to get suspicious. Everyone I know hangs their shit on the walls. Why are our walls so delicate? He kind of hints at this vague idea that we are going to create giant, unfixable holes in the walls. So, I'm just going to mention that I'll call Raul and see what happens. Already my new friend Raul is proving himself to be quite the handyman.

Step one of recreating my creative workspace done in one internetless day. Results below. (No camerabag filter applied here fyi).

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Krista's summer vacation pt. 1

I was given an unpaid and unexpected vacation!

From the internet.

I was gone for almost a week and let me tell you, it was something.

I can't wait to tell you all about it.

It sucked. What a crappy vacation.

I don't think I would choose to go back. I do have a fabulous iphone but let's face it, it isn't a computer so I had to keep everything to the necessities. Which essentially means I read my emails and then forgot to answer most of them because I wasn't really able to type back an appropriately verbose response. I hit Rose's internet cafe once (thankfully it was open late) but it isn't the same as using your own computer (it isn't my own bed, my own pajamas etc.) and it is really distracting when you are surrounded by cute clothes, wedding plans, and fun chit chat. Web surfing is really a solitary sport.

In the end, it turned out alright. I got a lot out of it and I tried to pretend it was really freeing or whatever people say to sound cup half full and stuff.

Well enough of the whining. Mercury and its lingering retrograde effects should finally be gone for awhile. I read that on before my brownout for anyone whose keeping track.

Here are some things I accomplished/discovered while on vacation:

If there is anyone who doesn't clip shit out of magazines everytime you read them you should really start. Why? Because it is fun. You can keep a file of inspiring or striking things and go through them when your internet is down.

I have a picture of Kate Moss from the August 2008 Vogue issue. I liked her hair. So I attempted to recreate it on my own head. It really turned out to be more "reminicent of" than a "recreation of" but whatever, that still counts and it made for a "very special" Tuesday night at work.

You will notice that Kate is in a limo while I am not. I believe the difference ends there.

I also discovered the Camera Bag application on my iphone. Truly the greatest. I'm in love with their many hip and beautiful filters. My self portrait above has the "Helga" filter on it. I look way cooler with it.

More on my vacation adventures to follow. There really is too much to put in one blog entry.

As you can see it was an exciting whirlwind of a time.

Although I am glad to be back.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Itsy bitsy

It is summer again and the catalogs all have bathing suits aplenty!

This is one of my favorite times of year. I love pouring over magazines, websites and catalogs carefully picking out bathing suits that I will NEVER buy, much less wear.

This year I'm picking a retro 1950's deal
Norma Kamali "Bill" and a less expensive version from Kimchi Blue at Urban Outfitters.

I haven't owned a bathing suit for 15 years. I have successfully structured my life to avoid the necessity. I don't swim, I don't tan (a conclusion finally reached after years of wearing baby oil and baking in the sun), I don't surf or boogie board or go anywhere or do anything that would necessitate wearing a bathing suit. I simply don't.

I used to swim a lot. I took lessons. I could do flips off the high dive. I actually advanced very quickly and was ready to qualify for my life guard certification but I was only 10. Unfortunately as I got older it was hello puberty, contacts, vanity/self consciousness and goodbye swimming.

I did the rounds with the makeshift swimsuit. You know, long shorts and a tank top (neither actually meant for swimming), I tried a "swimming dress" that never made it out of the house, board shorts and a sports bra (again not really made for water as much as I had thought). I once found myself in Hawaii for a job and with people I would never see again so I bought a $20 suit from a kiosk that disintegrated after 2 wears (the disposable suit).

I am also very attracted to the swimsuit coverup. Very cute with some flip flops and a nice pedicure. However, this look only really makes sense if you are near water. Maybe I should try it this year.

Who am I kidding?

"Know thyself."

I truly do not feel like I am missing anything by not going to the beach.

I'm older and wiser now and let's face it, I'm defeated. For me, wearing a swimsuit promises to be a day full of regret and self loathing. Why subject myself to that? I have way more fun things to do and wear. I also know that with my transparent skin tone, a day at the beach is like an open invitation to go to third base with melanoma. Why bother? My best course of action is to incorporate a swim suit cover up, SPF 500 and a wide brim hat into an outfit and then have lunch on the patio under an umbrella.

Now that sounds like a lovely day.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Out of the blue and into the wild blue yonder

As I stared at the blank white walls of my apartment, it dawned on me that my lack of security deposit allows me a certain freedom that I am not taking advantage of. I am a firm believer in color and yet, here are my boring white walls staring back at me. This is shameful and ridiculous. The plumbers must think I'm the most boring person ever.

I swiftly decided two walls should be painted an amazing color. And a color I've not used before. Blue for calm serenity and creativity in the bedroom/office and dark Olive in the living room. Oh wait. I better wait and see what goes with my Piazza Sofa. Holding pattern. Just blue for the bedroom for today.

Done. Off to the paint store.

Holy Fuck.

Which blue is the right blue?

And here we have it, my weakness: The burden of CHOICE.

It is kind of a paradox because I am a very instinctual person. I often shop from the gut. When it comes to clothes or shoes this isn't difficult at all because I know I am not limited. However, when there is only one wall to paint blue, I freak out about it being the best blue of all time and the only way to be sure of that is to look at ALL of the the blues.


Wait, I know the blue I want but when it is surrounded by all the other blues it gets a little confusing. I know in this moment how tricky it must be to pick someone out of a line up. Oh, the pressure!

Ok, maybe I'll start with all the blues that are NOT the right blue. That will feel like I'm accomplishing something.

I don't want country blue or ice blue, or hampton blue, or baby blue, or true blue.
I'm really looking for maybe a robin's egg blue? or like a 1950's retro blue? Got anything like that?

Electric blue? No. Blue note? No. Bashful Blue? no.
Fairy tale Blue? Bahaman sea blue? Blue wave? Blue comfort? no. no. no. maybe.

Who comes up with these names anyway? I think I want that job.
Feelin' blue, blue balls, Prozac blue, held my breath too long blue, Alien blue, Krista's perfect blue.

Three hours later I am still muttering to myself in the paint aisle, talking myself out of the whole thing. I just can't commit.

Now I remember why my walls are still white.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Twinkle Twinkle

So I have a couple of new things that I am obsessed with.
The Astrology Zone website and a Tarot card website.

Thank you Marianne and the girls at Newshead's work, respectively, for sending me these wonderful tips.

Don't turn up your nose just yet, this shit is FUN and if you don't think so, perhaps you just need to do a couple of affirmations that sound something like "I need to lighten up."

If you still feel the uncontrollable urge to be a naysayer, it might be helpful for you to picture me turning up the volume on Barbara Streisand's "Don't Rain on my Parade" and singing at the top of my lungs while wearing an outfit that some would say doesn't "match" cuz that's the kind of mood I'm in today.

Continuing on.

Like all things in life you get out what you put in. Pondering life is never a waste of time. This stuff is a veritable springboard for a delightful stream of consciousness.

The monthly forecast on Astrology Zone is the most comprehensive I have ever seen, truly fantastic, and it doesn't hurt that my pisces horoscope is amazing this month.

And the Tarot is just like someone you trust confirming things you already know about yourself but it somehow sounds more resonant and profound coming from someone else. I have a friend, Anita, who has an amazing gift for telling you what you need to hear in the most diplomatic way. She can make "tough love" sound like a compliment and she is so intelligent and well read that you leave the conversation inspired. It is her voice I imagine when I'm reading my tarot card results. I'm sure she'll be thrilled.

Not only is it fun but it is also educational if you care to take it in that direction (and I do). Today the term "poverty consciousness" came up in my online, computer generated, totally real Tarot reading.

I think I have it and I'm pretty sure I want to get rid of it.

As I am trying to learn more about finances (and when I say "trying" I do, at this point, mean "planning") I am finding out that it isn't all about the numbers. There is a lot that has to do with my relationship with money and my thoughts surrounding it. I may, in fact, be creating my financial circumstances because I just assume I will always be just a little too poor to purchase my beloved piazza sofa.

It is funny. I never assume I will be desolate but I never think I will actually have lasting prosperity either. I've always believed I will labor for my money and thus far I have. There isn't anything wrong with working really hard at a job I don't like to support myself but why don't I feel I deserve to have a job I love that will easily support my shoes and makeup habit? Maybe I'm worried I will lose all perspective if I were to suddenly have abundance in my life. I have been refered to as "new stuff" (a name I'm actually quite fond of) because I like shiny new things. Maybe I'm afraid I will become a vapid, materialistic, narcissist with even the slightest bit of prosperity.

OMG, I am holding myself back from myself.

I really have to knock that off!

I freaking love these sites.

Monday, June 1, 2009

I love mushrooms! Who knew?

I'm on my second round of medicinal mushrooms. I am definitely a fan.

Seriously, I think they are working in spite of all the not good things I've been doing to myself (ice cream doesn't usually topple my resolve so I can't explain what happened there. Someone said "Dilly Bar" and I ate it. Moving on).

My skin has improved, I think my energy levels have increased (I can always use more of that, perhaps I will increase my dosage), and Newshead said that my eyes looked brighter (completely unprompted, btw).

Now you may be wondering what extensive research brought me to the mushrooms.


I actually don't like mushrooms. hate 'em, think their texture is undesirable and their taste kind of icky. Not to mention I can't get over the fact that they are grown in shit.

But like most of my endeavors, I can forego my reservations and distaste if the promise of good skin, weight loss or more energy is involved.

Anne, my new work friend, who has enviable skin, hipped me to the 'shrooms. She did all the research and that was enough for me so I just bought what she had. Have to say, I'm glad I did. I'll admit, I kind of hoped they wouldn't work so I wouldn't be hooked on something that I have to keep buying but oh well, I'm a convert. And they are in pill form so nothing weird to chew or cook or touch. In fact, I just pretend they aren't mushrooms at all. Works like a charm.

If, like me, you are interested in adding mushrooms to your list of things you shouldn't spend money on but do anyway, please look up the many many benefits of medicinal mushrooms. It is rather boring/facinating stuff.

If you'd just like to take my word for it (well really Anne's) and try it yourself, here's the pertinent info:

Mushroom Science is the brand
The three we take twice a day are:
Cordyceps Cs-4 (energy and endurance)
Reishi Gano 161 (premiere tonic herb)
Coriolus-PSP (supports healthy immune system defense)

Some Whole Foods have them but I ordered them online because I ran all over the city trying to find them and realized that it isn't that easy. Click click click and they are delivered to your door.

You're welcome.