Saturday, January 30, 2010

There is a point in here somewhere...

I've come to accept that even at my age I am going to suffer some bad skin days and breakouts. Actually, let me re-phrase that, I have come to expect it. I haven't really accepted anything. Now true, Alicia Silverstone is promoting her new book, Kind Diet, where she asserts that her skin just "glows" because of her vegan choices. Her skin does look amazing and I'm positive that right after I finish the Fast track detox again next week, I will give that one a go.

I'm always on board for a new diet, I'm sorry, I mean "lifestyle."

Who knows, maybe she's right and being a healthy vegan does wonders for your skin and it has nothing at all to do with gazillions of dollars and excellent facials and expensive products. I don't know. I'm skeptical considering Dr. Perricone's difficult to follow, but ultimately successful Wrinkle Free diet is heavy on the fish and really did improve my skin. I've never lived a vegan lifestyle so I guess I can't compare it equally at this point. I wouldn't mind seeing the two battle it out on Oprah, however. His diet has tons of expensive supplements. I wonder how Alicia stacks up. It's all expensive that's for sure.

I'm still totally in. There isn't much I wouldn't try for beautiful skin.

Actually, that isn't really my point. I got a little sidetracked.
My point is, if I'm having a bad skin day, it hardly seems fair that I would also have an incredibly painful zit inside my nose as well. Ok, logically, Alicia I know that it makes sense (why is she yelling?), but in terms of fairness it seems they shouldn't both occur at the same time.

Would you rather have an incredibly painful inside the nose zit that no one can see, or an ugly but totally not painful zit on the outside of your nose?

That is my point/question.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Advertising works. It just plain works.

The power of suggestion is amazing. I had brushed my teeth. No intention of eating again this evening. I start reading Jessica's blog about baking and of course I want baked goods. No surprise there. Her pictures are amazing. But I don't have any baked goods in the house.
I'm no fool.

Well eventually it gets to me and I go into the kitchen and eat toast with honey. It certainly isn't a gourmet cupcake or a flipping chocolate croissant (I would kill for one of those) but it's bread and that is the closest thing I have.

Rose just called and bemoaned that she had Mexican food two nights in a row and ate the chips.

I'm eating tortilla chips as I type.

Cruel cruel world.

A retrospective, in receipts

The problem with doing my taxes so early is that I'm not quite ready to face the cold hard truth about my year as reviewed through my expenditures.

Since I'm not really great at keeping my calendar/log/journal, my receipts are the only real marker for how I spent my time as well as my money. This Quicken thing is a killer. Categorizing is kind of my worst nightmare and I'm pretty sure I'm not even doing it right. I can't imagine what my retrospective would look like if I actually used this software to its fullest potential. Basically I think it is genius to be able to download all my transactions from various financial institutions so I'm not typing everything into a spreadsheet. I am aware that it is like buying a fancy computer and then just using Word. I know I should learn to really use Quicken. Learning about finances did move up to #2 on my list this year. I've also heard there is a 2010 version of Quicken for mac coming out soon. I do love new stuff. So perhaps this will be the year.

I do know how to run a report to get my category totals. So yes, I am awesome. I flirt with the button that says it will show me my finances in graphs and pie charts but I never actually do it. Which is weird because I love pie. Truth be told I am terribly frightened of seeing a giant pie that says "clothing - kl" with just a tiny sliver of important stuff like "retirement." Again, I am awesome.

The retrospective usually goes something like this:

"huh, did I ever wear that shirt?"
"what the heck did I buy there?"
"Oh, I love that dress, why don't I wear that more often?"
"Ok, enough hair products. That budget is getting cut this year...that reminds me I'm low on pomade."
"That's right, I haven't worn that because I never did find the right top for it. Keep looking."
"Yeah, I never could get out of the house in that."
"This sucks. I could be watching Grey's Anatomy."
"Why don't I sell some of this shit on ebay?"
"If I just did my shopping by deductible category, this would be so much easier."
"I really didn't go enough places this year to wear all this."
"Yes, that outfit only had one outing but I still think it is classic."
"No, really. What was I thinking?"
"Gosh these pugs cost a lot of money. Well, the bee costume was a necessity."
"Oh fun. I painted the apartment last year. I really should finish those shelves."
"Why haven't I collaged that table yet?"
"Holy crap on the craft supply hemorrhage! I cannot buy another thing until I use up every last thing I have."
"All in all I have very little to show for my year."

I really do need to keep a more lively journal because this shit is depressing.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

What to wear

What does a girl wear to her first day at the firing range?

It's a really tough call. Do you go for irony and wear something really girlie like a dress? Is there any kind of dress code? I don't think so. I think irony (or maybe paradox) is better served if you are already proficient with a gun. OK, something with more of an edge then. However, not too much of an edge because the unmet expectation would just be embarrassing. Comfort should probably be a priority...I feel it is important to avoid that Cagney & Lacey/NYPD blue, detective, blazer thing. That feels wrong somehow.

Other factors, it's raining and cold.

Additionally, I can't forget to take into consideration my accessories are eye protection, ear protection and a gun.


A zillion discarded shooting outfits later I finally went with the pair of the wide leg jeans I recently got hemmed, a long (to mid thigh) black turtleneck, and combat inspired boots.

As for the shooting, I was surprised to discover:
Guns are heavier than I expected
I am jumpier around loud noises than I thought
It isn't as easy as the movies make it look
It would be uncomfortable to shoot a gun while wearing a police uniform
I have a new respect for anyone who carries a gun professionally
I'm not that good at it
I'm not totally horrible at it

I absolutely plan on doing it again.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Fashion ingenuity applauded and then criticized just a little

We are in the midst of a torrential downpour and today I spied a woman wearing a plastic Target bag as a skirt! GENIUS. Actually it was over pants so it was more like "pants skirt." If I wasn't driving I would for sure have snapped a picture but I was afraid I would splash her with a wall of water in my attempt.

I sincerely applaud her ingenuity.

However, the whole thing was fueled solely by practicality and I feel if you are on the path to greatness you should really go all the way.

I'd like to explore her options:

The bag was one of the mid sized large ones you get when you buy pillows or a puffy throw. So it turned out to be a kind of boxy, below the knee skirt. You could use the small standard size bag to create a cute mini skirt or one of the really big long bags to do a cocktail length number.

She wore it handle side down and I'm guessing she cut a small hole in the bottom and then pulled it over her head so the hole was small enough not to fall over her hips. Is it unfair to say that it would have added a little something special if she had knotted the handles a couple of times?

Now, what if you put your legs through a small hole in the bottom of the bag and tied the handles together around your waist so that it stayed a little tighter around the legs creating a tulip skirt? Nice.

Or what about double bagging and then pulling the handles up from the bottom giving you a bustle or pouf skirt thing going on? I like it.

Obviously Target isn't the only bag you can use but if you have bright, shiny red rain boots then it just seems obvious.

Here's something weird that I didn't think of until now, while she did have an umbrella, she didn't roll up her pants at all and she wasn't wearing rain boots. Why take such innovative measures to protect your pants from waist to knee, but do nothing to protect your pants from the knee down? I'm going to strongly suggest tights and rain boots to really make this outfit both super cute and practical.

On a final note, Target bag skirt lady didn't seem as proud of her invention as I would have been. I would have been strutting around like I was all that and then some.

It's like she doesn't even know how awesome she is.

That is just heartbreaking.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm sorry, what?

It is pouring rain here and rain makes me think.
So, I was in the car and it occurred to me I really don't understand the deal with churches that have the giant red awareness ribbon on them. What are they trying to say? That they are focused on AIDS awareness? That they are crusaders in the fight against AIDS? "People with AIDS welcome here?"

Why would they spend all that money on a giant metal sculpture? Wouldn't that money be better spent on research or the massively expensive cost of the medication for their afflicted parishioners whom they may or may not have enticed into their church with their humongous red ribbon?

I really don't get it. But then again I don't really get church either.
And there are a lot of these red ribbon churches. I saw three on my short ride home.

Monday, January 18, 2010

And now for some breaking news...

I just read in Oprah Magazine that "people with thighs less than 24 inches around face a higer risk of heart disease." Apparently thigh fat might help flush the blood of something bad and helps you live longer.
And and and
"The antioxidants in chocolate have beneficial effects on blood pressure." Not just dark chocolate either, they actually said Toblerone (shut the F up).

Pretty sure I'm living forever.

Yes, I do know there was an earthquake in Haiti. Stop yelling at me.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Everything and Nothing

I have always had a penchant for masculine looking shoes which is why I am pleased to see them making a strong showing lately. I'm so glad that I still have my manish fluevog loafers from 10 years ago. Hoarding can actually come in handy sometimes.

Rose and I were at H&M last night and low and behold they have a Jimmy Choo man's inspired lace up with some Elton John like, blingy flair. For anyone who hasn't heard (or couldn't put it together from what I just said), Jimmy Choo is at H&M. The price tag is high for H&M but extremely inexpensive for a Jimmy Choo meeting nicely in the middle much like the shoe itself which meets somewhere between masculine and feminine.

This brings me to one of my favorite words:
I love it because it simultaneously means "neither" and "both."
Seriously, look it up.

"A state of having both masculine and feminine traits; A state of appearing to be neither masculine nor feminine"

"showing characteristics of both sexes "
"Pertaining to a characteristic that is not definitively male or female; A condition in which gender is unknown, ambivalent, indeterminate, or neuter; Possessing qualities of both sexes"

It is also a song by Garbage. That I did not know.

Androgyny has made a splash on the runway, in music, theatre, in feminism, the lesbian community, the gay community, it has symbolized freedom, empowerment, rebellion, sexuality, sexual orientation, identity.

It's like the greatest word ever.

What I'm trying to say is, it would be cool to own a pair of Jimmy Choo's.
That and I love k.d. lang.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I wonder if...

I wonder if improving my at home lounge wear will inspire me to answer the door. Probably not.
Not answering the door doesn't have so much to do with me being embarrassed by what I'm wearing (although I'll admit I should be) as much as it has to do with not wanting to have to tell someone no and have them not listen to me.

I hate hate hate it when someone is trying to sell me something or trying to con me out of money and won't take "no, thank you" for an answer. People simply will not listen to me. I've had this problem all my life. I think it's because I'm short and I look nice and therefore gullible. They think I'm an easy "get" and can't believe their ears when I say "no." I've tried toughening up my look a little. I changed my hair color and got some tough looking bangs but it isn't quite doing the trick.

The way I see it I have two choices:

1) act like a crazy bitch who seems to have little regard for her own safety much less theirs or
b) casually wear a gun holster and a gun when I answer the door

I think a gun holster with a gun would make a great accessory to my upgraded lounge wear. Newshead says I'm not allowed to have a gun.

So for now, when someone knocks, I drop to the floor and crawl slowly around my apartment until they go away.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I'm taking a wide stance here

I really need to rethink my "at home" wear. I will admit the things I wear around my house are alarming (and I mean in an ugly, unflattering way). It is like I can't wear any of my "nice" stuff if I am just going to be by myself (or just with Newshead). I don't even wear my B team clothes. Nope I wear things that are just about to get thrown out. Am I not worthy of some cute lounge wear? I'm pretty sure I would be much more productive if I was wearing something a little more motivational.

You only have to watch the Sex in the City movie to know that even a sad Carrie Bradshaw wears the cutest "I'm depressed and not getting out of bed" clothes and as a result she DOES get out of bed. Point taken.

A little more "practice what you preach and take some of your own advice" please.

What is wrong with me?

I feel like one of those religious zealots who condemn gay people and then get caught trying to wrangle up some same sex sex in an airport bathroom. The sheer hypocrisy of it.

So tomorrow I am going to sit around my house in a brand new $3 tank top.

Boy, are the pugs going to be surprised.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

On the subject of science

A lot of diets out there say that a piece of cheese is a good snack because it has some protein and is higher in fat so it will satiate you and you will stay full longer. Ummmm.
I am pretty sure that I defy science and I'm wondering if there is any money to be made here.
I am in no way exaggerating when I say I can eat pounds of cheese and I don't feel full at all. Cube after cube, slice after slice. I'm like a freak of nature.

The same phenomenon occurs with nuts if anyone is doing an experiment on that.

Now if you've read "Skinny Bitch" (and I have) it says that cheese is difficult to stop eating because there is actually something in it that is ADDICTIVE. A great deal of these food "addictions" are in your head but apparently, not the cheese one. It's for real.

This info makes me both happy and sad. Happy because I can fully rationalization my continued cheese consumption and sad because I will hide behind it for a good long time.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Would you rather...

Would you rather have terrible skin when you are a kid but then have perfect skin in your mid 30's and for the rest of your life or have a few rotating zits that continue throughout your life?

Most of the time I would say the latter but today I'm waffling.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The latest diet craze...

I had a bad night at work and so I turned to my old friends bread and cheese for some comfort. They never fail to make me feel better/worse and tonight was no exception. (Whole Wheat and Feta, thank you for asking). As part of my "just drown it," ritual I, of course, looked around for something sweet to eat before I had even finished swallowing much less waiting to see if I was actually hungry (that is key when you chain eat, fyi). My eye alighted on some frosted cookies that Newshead had left them out like a little grenade.

Me: You know what? I had a really shitty night so YES I AM going to have a cookie, I...WTF?

I opened them to find just the frosted top eaten off of all but two of the cookies. Ummm Gross. No thanks.

When I asked Newshead about it in the morning he wasn't even embarrassed.

He actually offered to do it to all of the junk food for me.

I'm really very touched.

Friday, January 8, 2010

All cleaned out...sort of

I tried the "Fast Track Detox Diet"

I did really well except for the fact that I couldn't stop drinking coffee because I got a blinding migraine and threw up the very first day. Now there are two ways to look at it:
1) I'm very good at this super "fast track" stuff and these are all of my toxins bursting out of me or
b) I'm really very fond of my toxins and I should consider just hang on to some of them

Because I was starting my new job I couldn't very well continue in this vein so I decided to keep drinking coffee but do everything else on the diet because I'm no quitter. Apparently I'm just a not do it all (er).

Who's kidding who? As much as I want to be a detoxified person, I really was in it for the weight loss. (Kim lost 6lbs and who wouldn't want that?). The byproduct of having a clean liver is great and all, but is my liver trying to get into those Hudson Jeans I finally got hemmed?


Thursday, January 7, 2010

For the sake of argument...

Flat hair and straight hair are simply not the same thing and while we are not on the subject, honey could very well be classified as a controlled substance and someone should call the DEA on me right now.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

You have got to be kidding me

If you are going to walk around dressed like Wonder Woman, you should really do yourself a favor and take a shower.
Nothing ruins a bold move like greasy hair and a grungy unwashed person in a grungy unwashed superhero outfit.

Seriously, I can get behind the fact that the most unlikely person I've ever seen has decided to be Wonder Woman today. Hats off to you.
I will even try to get behind the completely wrong "but these are the only heels I have" shoe choice.

However, I simply cannot get behind the fact that you stink.

No Wonder Woman for you!

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm not uniform

In general, I am anti-uniform. I truly believe that uniforms stamp out individuality and that is a crime. Expressing yourself through your clothing is pretty much what I am all about. I think being dressed like everyone else makes you feel helpless and defeated.
Ok, I'm not going to lie, the real reason I hate uniforms is because uniforms hate me.
They started it.

I personally do not have a figure for uniforms (none of them). Every uniform known to man makes my thighs look bigger, my legs look shorter, my ass gigantic, it just plain brings out all of my worst qualities and to make matters worse there is always that stupid bitch who looks amazing in whatever potato sack she's given. PS and by the way, that stupid bitch is usually my friend and is therefore constantly standing next to me like a giant neon "I'm with fatty" sign.
My greatest fear is being in one of those "Who Wore it Best" features. Ugh.

That being said, I'm not thrilled with the burden of freedom that I have at my new job. I know, I'm very hard to please, but hear me out. As a waitress you have some interesting obstacles when it comes to choosing clothing. You need something that represents who you are and yet can withstand the constant threat of destruction. Can you love your clothes and yet be willing to let them go when they are attacked by red wine, sweat and bleach? I'm not that evolved. That kind of thinking really goes against my hoarding instincts. Shoe options are restricted to comfortable which creates an interesting obstacle. Everything has to look good with or without an apron. On the plus side, I think aprons are flattering and I'm considering incorporating them into my non-work fashion.

I was a huge fan of the "all black" dress code at my last restaurant because
a) black is flattering
b) black hides a mess
c) I had specific work clothes which eliminated difficult decisions and piles of discarded outfits
d) All black looked like a uniform but with none of the drawbacks of an actual uniform (see above)

There isn't anything saying I can't wear all black at my new job.
But somehow that feels like cheating. I mean, I am a style therapist. I have a reputation to consider.
And what would I do with all the things I just bought "ya know, for work."

Sunday, January 3, 2010

You think you know someone...

I got a new job.

I've worked in restaurants most of my life and yet my knowledge of food and wine is generally restricted to trying not to consume it. I've never been an adventurous eater. I'm really low end when it comes to food (I actually like grape jelly). I'm not fancy. I'm not a total country mouse, I mean, I know what a cheese plate is. I'm just saying that it has been a great challenge to try and educate myself so that I can sell this menu. This experience has caused me to come to a crushing and life altering realization...I am NOT a great server. All this time I thought I was. Turns out, nope.

I am a workhorse.
I am really sharp, I'm a prolific multi-tasker, I don't tire easily and I'm pleasant even when I'm in the weeds.
I am a great waitress.
I might even go as far as to say one of the best ever (and trust me I am aware of exactly how proud I should be of that).

I really suck at formalities and rules, exotic food, terroir and wine from every country. The whole experience has been unsettling.
It's like I don't even know me.

And that's not all. On top of all the stuff I have to learn (and act like I already knew) and the unsettling discovery that has created a fundamental shift in my whole identity...
There are NO UNIFORMS. Not even a dress code or color restrictions.

On the surface that could seem like a great thing, that is until you factor in the burden of freedom.

That, however, is a discussion for tomorrow.

Right now I have to go look up what pig trotters, ras el hanout, and lengua are.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I am Resolute

1. Lose the same 7lbs I lost last year and gained back yesterday.
2. Learn about finances
3. Get my taxes done before the end of Feb.
4. Take a dance class
5. Do the splits
6. Do something creative every day (sleeping/dreaming counts)
7. Take trapeze lessons
8. Voice a cartoon
9. Continue to pretend that I'm learning to meditate
10. Learn to meditate
11. ban sugar and processed food from my life
12. wear more dresses
13. Stop being afraid of getting into trouble, not being perfect, being wrong, being told that I'm wrong, taking things personally, being uptight and feeling guilty about all of the above
14. Do stuff because I want to and not because I feel like I have to.
15. Make a visual journal
16. Do a back flip flop
17. Organize my apartment until it is actually organized instead of just until I get tired of it
18. Wear a jean skirt out in public
19. Wear cute stuff in my apartment even if I don't have to go outside
20. Buy bras I would want people to see even if they never do
21. Stop feeling guilty that I don't facebook and twitter very often even though I know it would make me cooler
22. Return people's emails sooner
23. Admit that I have a lot of shoes I'm not wearing and do something about it
24. Learn to draw
25. Write a book
26. Train the pugs to obey me instead of willfully ignoring my benevolent wisdom

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New You!

It is my favorite time of year. A time for setting goals and making lists, deciding I will achieve unattainable things (just as soon as I finish the last Twilight book). There is so much hope and optimism at the new year. Most importantly it is time to reinvent myself. Reinventing is most easily done with clothes. I like to start from the outside and work in. Let's face it the inside stuff is just too hard to start with. No matter where I start it all goes on the list. My list has no particular order and it isn't written in stone. It can morph, merge, become pronged and more detailed. There are no rules when it comes to my list.

A lot of my stuff gets carried over every year. I'm good with that. I don't like to feel like a failure and having incompletes on a list at the end of the year can really sour things. I never get tired of putting the same things on my list. I like to believe in endless possibility. No giving up. Losing weight has been on the list since 3rd grade, learning to draw - since 5th, learn to do a back flip flop - since 7th, do the splits - since 8th (I'm fairly certain this is going to be the year), learn about finances - since 2008. These are all making a comeback again this year.

Some things on the list obviously change according to where I am in my life. "Kiss Ricky Schroeder" was removed when Silver Spoons ended, "be a cartoon" morphed into "be the voice of a cartoon,"and "be more in control" has now become "give up control."

There are lots of exciting new things to look forward to in 2010 not the least of which is trying not to injure myself while trying to do hip hop.