How to not eat when you really want to (but aren't hungry at all)

No matter what diet you are on (and I've tried them all) there will come a time when you need to avoid temptation and triggers. Here are some tips and tricks, do's and don'ts to skillfully distract yourself from falling off of the diet wagon. Try at least three in a row before mindlessly eating something.

Drink a HUGE glass of water. More than you even think you can consume. If your stomach is rumbling eat a couple of antacid tablets and drink some more water.

Call a friend. Preferably one that is also on a diet and will tell you "no" in a really firm voice. Talk about how hard it is. Venting helps.

Clean your apartment. As soon as you go into the kitchen grab some cleaning supplies and start cleaning instead. Not only will you put off eating for a while longer, you will burn some calories and have a clean apartment.

Someone at a Weight Watchers meeting said she bent down and picked up magazines during commercials.

No offense, but that is really lame.

Fast forward through commercials or leave the room. No one needs to see all those delicious fast food temptations. During those intervals brag to yourself about how well you are doing. Tell yourself how proud you are for not giving in to temptation. You can't disappoint yourself after a pep talk.

Put on really tight clothing. You won't want to make yourself more uncomfortable by eating.

Brush your teeth or chew sugar free, minty gum.

Work on a project that involves your hands. Paint, make jewelry, scrapbook, assemble small things.

It is also helpful to gross yourself out. Imagine eating bugs or some other vile thing.

Don't have a "Sex in the City Marathon." While it is the greatest show ever, all they do is eat. A fact that is magnified when you watch them all in a row. Instead pick a show like "Angel" where all they eat is blood.

Go to sleep. If you just woke up, drink some nyquil and knock yourself out again. Never mind if you have things to do. You can do stuff when you are skinny.

It may sound like I'm kidding but I assure you I am not.

Happy Independence Day! Celebrate your independence from food.

On the evolution of style, pt. deux

Somewhere in the middle of college I went through a "it's cool to look low maintenance" phase. Looking back this was the biggest blot on my reputation as a person of taste. Talk about dampening my style and softening all my edges. Ugh.

Here's the thing. I didn't want to seem into my looks. That kind of vanity was beneath a serious artist like myself. I was going for some kind of "natural, effortless" thing.

Of course, I really really worked hard at it. At some point I just stopped getting my hair cut and let it grow like a not really curly, not really straight weed. My clothing style incorporated a vacillation between androgynous and anything with a flower print. Most notably, everything I wore was baggy in a misguided attempt to look thin (as evidenced by the lovely people who insist on putting pictures of me on facebook, really, must you???).

I strategically applied makeup to look like I wasn't wearing any. I was way before my time with the "no makeup makeup" look. Yeah, I saved the big makeup guns for the stage where I over-applied like a champ.

The weird, depressive narcissist that I wasted my last semester on, broke up with me the day before my graduation. Nice. So in all of my pictures I look like a sad, chubby, mountain of blonde hair in a baggy, flower print dress.

I went back to my parents' house and cried for four days straight. When I finally looked in the mirror, I was horrified by what I had become. So far from my former, sparkling glory (and when I say sparkling, I do mean that literally. There were lots of sparkles).

The very next day I started doing step aerobics, got my hair cut off and bought clothes in a style I had never owned before (thank you Nordstrom Jrs). I kissed that boring sad sack goodbye and never looked back (again, the facebook thing, not helpful).

When my ex attempted a re-entry into my life, I stared at him through my brand new eyes that donned a color that practically screamed "I'm wearing makeup" and had the confidence to act like I barely remembered who he was.

There are no do overs. Only onward and upward.

With better hair and better style.

On the evolution of style (ok, my style)

I feel as though I haven't reached the pinnacle of my own personal style. Just like most therapists I've come from my own fucked up shit and now I think I have learned just enough to help others. However, I am still working on myself.

My goal is to bookend my life with great individual style.

My fashion sense was quite adventurous when I was a kid. From awareness until about 6th grade I was really creative with my clothing choices. Then all that insecure, "I want boys to like me, I should be more normal/skinny" stuff happened and created a big, fat grey area in my fashion history.

My favorite stuff pre-premature puberty (which really ruined everything) was any skirt or dress that was layered like a cake, anything that twirled, had sparkles, resembled a princess or someone from a bygone era. My idea of "vintage" was the pilgrim outfit and I wore it to school faithfully every year for Thanksgiving until it no longer fit and even then I think I wore the hat long after.

I sported cardboard wings with glitter (stolen from Kim's girl scout ceremony), party hats, bright green gauchos, wands, and blue courdory pants with lions' heads. I reached fashion nirvana when Kim started taking ice skating lessons. Those ice skating costume designers really know how to do it. I strongly felt they were more appropriate as street wear. I actually started taking lessons myself for the clothes. Imagine my extreme disappointment when in my first show we were fucking lightbulbs (horrible look) and in my second show we were stupid, ugly railroad workers. I was a girly girl. I did not appreciate masculine style at the time. I quit after that disaster and just waited for Kim to be done with the blue gingham, tulle number with the red sequin trim and shiny red butt bow.

Dreamy.

Artist seeking Benefactor

Where are the wealthy patrons of yore? Those rich mofos who, for whatever weird reason, would support artists of less fortunate means. I'm really in the market for one of those right about now. That was such a great system. Where the hell did it go?

I suppose my family is thinking "Isn't that what you'd freaking call us?" But no. That is different.

It just is.

For one, they aren't fabulously wealthy. They are hard working people and their giving is a sacrifice. Out of the kindness of their hearts they make sure I'm not eating cat food and dancing on Venice beach wearing a tattered purple dress that is so short it shows my old bikini bottom layered over giant, dirty underwear.

I'm talking about a truly wealthy person who gives money to an artist because it makes them look cultured and cool and better than other rich people.

I'm sure it has it's drawbacks: power plays, struggles for creative control, weird payback demands.

It still sounds better than what I've got now.

PLUS I'm hugely qualified to receive money for just being me.
For any potential benefactors reading this, you should know I'm not only good at spending my own money, I'm excellent at helping other people spend theirs. I'm not exaggerating when I say
I have elevated it to an art form.

The first thing I would do is have my patron buy the piazza sofa. I believe it is essential for my work. Then I would sit around all day thinking about stuff because that is what I do. I would buy interesting outfits and come up with more style challenges for myself. Yes, that is art! I am my own canvas. I would be eccentric and sparkley and I would really earn my position as the foremost advisor in how my patron's style budget should be spent.

Ok, admittedly this whole thing sounds like the jobs I used to create for myself when I was 10. What I wanted "to be" when I "grew up" always had a huge fairytale quality about it. This was also about the same time I actually thought I could BE a cartoon. Still a lifelong dream oddly enough.

It is interesting to note that when you type "benefactor" into google, this is the first thing that pops up:

SeekingArrangement.com/Join-Free Find Rich Benefactors or Mentors to Pamper you? 100% Free for Girls.

Please. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy.

I am an ARTIST. I have standards.

kristalally@gmail.com
serious inquiries only!

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WTF on the skinny jeans thing?

Skinny jeans are a phenomenon that must go away and go away soon. I've been patient. I've tried to see their value in the fashion world. I've even waited to see if I would turn the corner and become a convert. Things I initially hate I sometimes end up loving. I admit it.

Not this time.

And now I am resentful of the large portion of the pants market they have taken up. They are everywhere. An otherwise cute pair of pants ruined by a hole so small you can barely get your foot through. A giant neon "look how big my thighs are" sign pointing upward from the ankle.

Skinny jeans must go.

I feel very alone in my quest to rid the world of skinny jeans. I've been to the mall. I've seen it over and over again. People are being led astray by this trend. They are being manufactured by the zillions. Every season I think "come on. everyone must have caught on by now" But no.

Skinny jeans are oddly incongruous. They don't make anyone look skinny. They are not flattering even on skinny people. And for those less fortunate than the perfectly thin, they give you an inverted cone shape that cannot be denied. Don't even try. Didn't we all learn this lesson from our 80's stint of rolling the bottom of our jeans tight to the ankle? It was a mistake. We are supposed to learn from, not repeat them.

I imagine that skinny jeans were invented so skinny girls could see what it feels like to have fat thighs and a big butt. The illusion is such that no matter how thin you are, these jeans make your butt look big. I hate to be harsh but the truth must be told. You don't have a big butt, but your pants are saying you do.

Pencil pants- great. Straight leg - fine. Sturrup pants - please help me, don't come back but at least you aren't skinny jeans.

This is, of course, only my opinion. However, I am not wrong.

To bubble skirt or not to bubble skirt...that is the question

A girl walked into the restaurant last night wearing a bright blue, mini bubble skirt with a tight black top and black heels. She was young and cute and on a date. However brave she might have been, there was no denying that she wasn't so much wearing the bubble as the bubble was wearing her. It was quite a head turning look, but sadly, for all the wrong reasons. One of the boys said to me:

"Now that is a faux pas, right? Or is that really a trend?"
"oh no, that is definitely a trend. One of the 80's comeback fashions."

For those of you that need a reminder see below.

I find it is key to remember that just because something is a trend, doesn't mean it is a trend for me.

It is useful advice really. Following a trend blindly can lead you down a precarious path.

Know thyself.

I (painfully) had to skip an entire year of shopping at H&M because everything was for the flat of chest. The cutest waif like clothes ever. I wanted to be that girl (and I do often shop for her) but my BFF, dressing room mirror, continually reminded me that, alas, I am not.

There are plenty of cute, fun fashions out there. Don't pick something you can't back up. If you can't fully envision and step into the persona of that trend then you won't be able to pull it off. People like your clothes because of HOW you wear them more than the clothes themselves.

Pushing your own style envelope is encouraged but requires an attitude that matches whatever you put on. Otherwise you are just giving the wrong message.

Timing is also important. I've pre-picked outfits for certain events and when it came time to put them on, I just wasn't in the right mindset. You have to be able to shift gears and wear what you are in the mood for. It makes a huge difference in how your night goes.

One last thing:
Use your friends. They are invaluable. I send pictures if I can't get in person feedback. If you think your friends won't give it to you straight or can't see beyond their own taste in order to give you solid advice, please contact me.

I'm here to help.
kristalally@gmail.com