All cleaned out...sort of

I tried the "Fast Track Detox Diet"

I did really well except for the fact that I couldn't stop drinking coffee because I got a blinding migraine and threw up the very first day. Now there are two ways to look at it:
1) I'm very good at this super "fast track" stuff and these are all of my toxins bursting out of me or
b) I'm really very fond of my toxins and I should consider just hang on to some of them

Because I was starting my new job I couldn't very well continue in this vein so I decided to keep drinking coffee but do everything else on the diet because I'm no quitter. Apparently I'm just a not do it all (er).

Who's kidding who? As much as I want to be a detoxified person, I really was in it for the weight loss. (Kim lost 6lbs and who wouldn't want that?). The byproduct of having a clean liver is great and all, but is my liver trying to get into those Hudson Jeans I finally got hemmed?

Exactly.

For the sake of argument...

Flat hair and straight hair are simply not the same thing and while we are not on the subject, honey could very well be classified as a controlled substance and someone should call the DEA on me right now.

Stat.

You have got to be kidding me

If you are going to walk around dressed like Wonder Woman, you should really do yourself a favor and take a shower.
Nothing ruins a bold move like greasy hair and a grungy unwashed person in a grungy unwashed superhero outfit.

Seriously, I can get behind the fact that the most unlikely person I've ever seen has decided to be Wonder Woman today. Hats off to you.
I will even try to get behind the completely wrong "but these are the only heels I have" shoe choice.

However, I simply cannot get behind the fact that you stink.

No Wonder Woman for you!

I'm not uniform

In general, I am anti-uniform. I truly believe that uniforms stamp out individuality and that is a crime. Expressing yourself through your clothing is pretty much what I am all about. I think being dressed like everyone else makes you feel helpless and defeated.
Ok, I'm not going to lie, the real reason I hate uniforms is because uniforms hate me.
They started it.

I personally do not have a figure for uniforms (none of them). Every uniform known to man makes my thighs look bigger, my legs look shorter, my ass gigantic, it just plain brings out all of my worst qualities and to make matters worse there is always that stupid bitch who looks amazing in whatever potato sack she's given. PS and by the way, that stupid bitch is usually my friend and is therefore constantly standing next to me like a giant neon "I'm with fatty" sign.
My greatest fear is being in one of those "Who Wore it Best" features. Ugh.

That being said, I'm not thrilled with the burden of freedom that I have at my new job. I know, I'm very hard to please, but hear me out. As a waitress you have some interesting obstacles when it comes to choosing clothing. You need something that represents who you are and yet can withstand the constant threat of destruction. Can you love your clothes and yet be willing to let them go when they are attacked by red wine, sweat and bleach? I'm not that evolved. That kind of thinking really goes against my hoarding instincts. Shoe options are restricted to comfortable which creates an interesting obstacle. Everything has to look good with or without an apron. On the plus side, I think aprons are flattering and I'm considering incorporating them into my non-work fashion.

I was a huge fan of the "all black" dress code at my last restaurant because
a) black is flattering
b) black hides a mess
c) I had specific work clothes which eliminated difficult decisions and piles of discarded outfits
d) All black looked like a uniform but with none of the drawbacks of an actual uniform (see above)

There isn't anything saying I can't wear all black at my new job.
But somehow that feels like cheating. I mean, I am a style therapist. I have a reputation to consider.
And what would I do with all the things I just bought "ya know, for work."

You think you know someone...

I got a new job.

I've worked in restaurants most of my life and yet my knowledge of food and wine is generally restricted to trying not to consume it. I've never been an adventurous eater. I'm really low end when it comes to food (I actually like grape jelly). I'm not fancy. I'm not a total country mouse, I mean, I know what a cheese plate is. I'm just saying that it has been a great challenge to try and educate myself so that I can sell this menu. This experience has caused me to come to a crushing and life altering realization...I am NOT a great server. All this time I thought I was. Turns out, nope.

I am a workhorse.
I am really sharp, I'm a prolific multi-tasker, I don't tire easily and I'm pleasant even when I'm in the weeds.
I am a great waitress.
I might even go as far as to say one of the best ever (and trust me I am aware of exactly how proud I should be of that).

I really suck at formalities and rules, exotic food, terroir and wine from every country. The whole experience has been unsettling.
It's like I don't even know me.

And that's not all. On top of all the stuff I have to learn (and act like I already knew) and the unsettling discovery that has created a fundamental shift in my whole identity...
There are NO UNIFORMS. Not even a dress code or color restrictions.

On the surface that could seem like a great thing, that is until you factor in the burden of freedom.

That, however, is a discussion for tomorrow.

Right now I have to go look up what pig trotters, ras el hanout, and lengua are.

I am Resolute

2010
1. Lose the same 7lbs I lost last year and gained back yesterday.
2. Learn about finances
3. Get my taxes done before the end of Feb.
4. Take a dance class
5. Do the splits
6. Do something creative every day (sleeping/dreaming counts)
7. Take trapeze lessons
8. Voice a cartoon
9. Continue to pretend that I'm learning to meditate
10. Learn to meditate
11. ban sugar and processed food from my life
12. wear more dresses

13. Stop being afraid of getting into trouble, not being perfect, being wrong, being told that I'm wrong, taking things personally, being uptight and feeling guilty about all of the above
14. Do stuff because I want to and not because I feel like I have to.
15. Make a visual journal
16. Do a back flip flop
17. Organize my apartment until it is actually organized instead of just until I get tired of it
18. Wear a jean skirt out in public
19. Wear cute stuff in my apartment even if I don't have to go outside
20. Buy bras I would want people to see even if they never do
21. Stop feeling guilty that I don't facebook and twitter very often even though I know it would make me cooler
22. Return people's emails sooner
23. Admit that I have a lot of shoes I'm not wearing and do something about it
24. Learn to draw
25. Write a book
26. Train the pugs to obey me instead of willfully ignoring my benevolent wisdom

Happy New You!

It is my favorite time of year. A time for setting goals and making lists, deciding I will achieve unattainable things (just as soon as I finish the last Twilight book). There is so much hope and optimism at the new year. Most importantly it is time to reinvent myself. Reinventing is most easily done with clothes. I like to start from the outside and work in. Let's face it the inside stuff is just too hard to start with. No matter where I start it all goes on the list. My list has no particular order and it isn't written in stone. It can morph, merge, become pronged and more detailed. There are no rules when it comes to my list.

A lot of my stuff gets carried over every year. I'm good with that. I don't like to feel like a failure and having incompletes on a list at the end of the year can really sour things. I never get tired of putting the same things on my list. I like to believe in endless possibility. No giving up. Losing weight has been on the list since 3rd grade, learning to draw - since 5th, learn to do a back flip flop - since 7th, do the splits - since 8th (I'm fairly certain this is going to be the year), learn about finances - since 2008. These are all making a comeback again this year.

Some things on the list obviously change according to where I am in my life. "Kiss Ricky Schroeder" was removed when Silver Spoons ended, "be a cartoon" morphed into "be the voice of a cartoon,"and "be more in control" has now become "give up control."

There are lots of exciting new things to look forward to in 2010 not the least of which is trying not to injure myself while trying to do hip hop.